


say i do

by dearlyuta



Series: aftermath — heartbreaks [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Exes, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 18:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17350352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearlyuta/pseuds/dearlyuta
Summary: Years ago, Renjun knocked on Jeno's door and left him without sparing him another glance.Years later, they cross paths once more and Jeno steals Renjun's heart all over again.





	say i do

**Author's Note:**

> i swear, i never expected to reach this kind of word count when i first thought of this. oh well. anyway, please excuse any mistakes you might come across since i didn't get to proofread this yet. enjoy reading!

If Renjun is being honest, he hasn't thought of Jeno since they broke up.

Maybe it's because he doesn't like getting caught up in the rush of the heartbreak. He doesn't want to sit around, feeling every little crack of his heart seep through his veins as his head spins. He doesn't want to fall asleep with tears soaked in his pillow, thoughts swirling in his head and wondering every _what if_ that could have happened. He doesn't want to wonder about the future where Jeno is there, his melodic laughter bouncing off the walls with their fingers intertwined.

It's over.

He doesn't have to think about him.

He doesn't know if he hates himself for not thinking about Jeno after breaking up — they've been together since junior year in high school after all. It just seemed so... _unnatural_ for him to quietly dismiss their five year relationship without a single care. He quietly buries the hate that ignited in his chest when he realizes that it's _so_ easy for him to fall back into a routine that doesn't involve his ex-boyfriend.

He can't say that he didn't know how Jeno was doing when they broke up. Jeno was a wreck — his usually styled hair was messy with dried tears always staining his cheeks. Whenever he parts his lips to speak, there's always a sob that's threatening to fall from his mouth. He looked beyond heartbroken and even if Donghyuck and Mark, his best friends, were always around to console him, it didn't seem enough.

Renjun has done such a fine job ignoring him and building himself up a distraction so he won't have to think about him. He doesn't want to think of him. He doesn't _need_ to think about him.

He knows the thoughts passing through Jeno's mind whenever their gazes meet in the hallway. He knows that Jeno is wondering how in the world is Renjun doing so wonderfully without him — did their relationship mean nothing to him? Did Jeno mean _nothing_ to him?

Renjun always averts his stare elsewhere, the discomfort always residing through his veins whenever that happens. He knows that he won't be able to stomach the guilt because he's the reason why Jeno is a mess and that his heart is quietly crushed to pieces since that night. The night when Renjun, in the middle of the night, headed over to Jeno's dorm with a steely determination bright in his eyes. It's as if he was so sure of everything, of all the decisions that he has ever done in the entirety of his life.

He relentlessly yet at the same, tried to gently break Jeno's heart. Jeno was just so fragile and completely confused when Renjun blurted out the words _I don't think we'll work out, I'm sorry_ at his direction. Everything stood still, their breaths stuck in their throats as they held each other's unwavering gazes.

Renjun was the first one who severed their connection, head ducked to lower his stare on the carpeted floor instead. When Jeno asked him why, there was a lump in his throat — Renjun was definitely sure that he was going to burst into tears but he held himself together. He made sure not to let a single piece of him crack apart and fall recklessly because if that happens, he won't be able to push through with this.

"I just don't love you anymore," Somehow, the words were incredibly hard to push past his lips, the sound of them were rough at the edges. Jeno only stayed silent and Renjun heaved a deep sigh, not braving himself to meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry." It was the second apology and that was when Jeno cracked; a whimper falling from his lips as he tries to catch his breath, tears pooling in his eyes. Renjun only mumbled another hushed apology before spinning on his heel, leaving the younger boy bursting into tears. His sobs were painful to listen to, a punch straight to Renjun's heart but nevertheless, his face remained stoic as he pushed himself to walk faster. He made sure to remind himself to not look back, no matter what. He doesn't dare to spare the boy even a little glance because that would mean that he already cracked and that single gesture will spark the tiniest hope in Jeno's chest.

He's not as heartless and cruel as he makes himself out to be.

It was a little easier to forget about Jeno when they finally graduated from university — he thought that his feelings were all burned into nothingness when he met Jeno's gaze amidst the crowd of students and he didn't feel any rush of memories or pain through his veins. Not even guilt.

"Congratulations." Renjun walked up to him, his smile ever so bright as always. There was the obvious hesitation in Jeno's dark orbs, the emotion rushing by too fast before he allowed himself to finally relax, nodding his head.

"You too." With that, Jeno curled the corners of his lips into a polite smile before turning away, searching for his friends by shouting their names over the crowd. Renjun swallowed the disappointment, dismissing the emotion angrily — he's not supposed to feel like that. Jeno has every right to be mad at him. He even expected him to just scowl right at his direction before leaving but instead, even after Renjun broke his heart mercilessly, he was still the sweetheart.

The sweetheart that Renjun grew to love over the years.

But it's all right — maybe Jeno can just remain as his high school sweetheart. It's easier to remember Jeno like that, rather than the boy whose heart got wrecked during their stay in the university.

After all, it's not like he'll be thinking of Jeno again after that.

-

Renjun stares at the blank canvas, his shoulders dropping in disappointment. Lately, he's been losing his muse and it's causing so much distress to his own self — the art exhibit is only two months away and he's nowhere near to even gathering the strength to lift up a paintbrush. He stands up from his stool, his shoes hitting the wooden floor as he paces right in front of the canvas, searching for anything that will spark his interest.

The shrill sound of his ringtone drags him back to the clutches of reality, alerting him. He hastily approaches the desk beside his bed, snatching up his phone to answer the call. He didn't even bother to check the caller ID — he's sure that he'll recognize the voice that will echo through the speakers.

"Hello?"

"Renjun!" His older brother, Sicheng, calls out with a lilt of excitement hidden beneath his layers of deep voice. He arches a brow in clear surprise and interest, a smile already easily tugging on his lips in a rather effortless manner. Sicheng very rarely calls him and honestly speaking, it's been three years since they last saw a glimpse of each other over the holidays. It might be because Sicheng travels around with Yuta, his long-time boyfriend, a lot and Renjun has barely made an effort to visit back home.

"Hey, what's up?" Renjun pins his phone between his ear and his shoulder, picking up a paintbrush. His eyes glaze over to his window, admiring the soft glow of the sunlight slipping through the blinds — it truly is a stunning view but it's not enough to elicit the emotion that Renjun is trying to find. There's a murmur through the phone and that piques Renjun's interest since there's an unusual amount of suppressed happiness in his brother's voice.

"I have news for you." Sicheng pauses dramatically for a moment before the words slip past his lips all too easily. "I'm getting married!"

"Wait, what?" The phone nearly slips off his shoulder but Renjun hurriedly wrapped his fingers around the electronic device, pressing it against his ear. "Married?"

"I know, I said that I'm not the marrying type but," Sicheng pauses, as if measuring his next words. Renjun can perfectly picture his older brother with a smile gracing his lips at the thought of him getting married to his boyfriend of the longest time. "I can't imagine my life without Yuta."

"Oh," There's a certain amount of adoration hidden in Renjun’s voice before he clears his throat, coughing into his fist. He's truly happy that Sicheng and Yuta have found happiness with each other but he can't say that he's surprised to know that. Since the moment he met Yuta years ago, he knows from the way their eyes glimmer with an indescribable amount of happiness that they've found the one.

"Is that the only thing you'll say?" Sicheng can't hide the sadness residing in his voice and Renjun straightens his body, shaking his head even if his brother can't see him.

"No, I'm just so happy for you guys!" Renjun heaves a sight of contentment, stepping towards the window and admiring the skyline with a soft, subtle smile curling on his lips. "I mean, the two of you are perfect for each other."

"Thanks, Jun." Even if Sicheng is trying his best to control the elation present in his tone, Renjun can certainly feel it — every letter and syllable is carefully wrapped tightly in an endless amount of bliss. He can't help but reciprocate just the same as his voice easily mirrors the same amount of excitement and delight at the thought of his brother marrying someone.

"When's the wedding?" There's a pleasant hum on the other line before Sicheng's cheery voice comes through again. He sounds so ecstatic that Renjun almost misses the weight of his words instead.

"Two months."

"Two months?" Renjun echoes his words, his voice filled with confusion. He steals another swift glance at the calendar and his throat closes up, the nervousness running through his veins. The number _28_ in the calendar is circled with a red marker with the words _art exhibit_ written hastily on the paper.

"That's so fast." Renjun tries to keep his voice casual and light, though the twist in his insides is making it incredibly difficult for him to get through the haziness in his head. It'll be hard for him if the wedding and his art exhibit clash together. He'll have to find a way not to get too stressed out over these two events.

There's a stretch of silence, a heartbeat too long that Renjun is almost afraid to know that the line is cut off. But as soon as he parts his lips, Sicheng's voice rings on the other line but his tone is filled with an unusual amount of guilt.

"We've been engaged for a year and we've been planning the wedding for nine months already." There's another beat of silence before Sicheng speaks again, his voice still filled up with guilt. "Are you mad?"

"Mad?" Renjun bursts out laughing, shaking his head as he takes a seat right on the edge of his bed, raking his fingers through his dark strands. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because you only found out about the wedding just now?"

"It's fine, I know how busy you guys are," Renjun swallows the lump in his throat, drumming his fingers against his thigh before he starts to talk again, gaze flickering back to the canvas and the calendar placed gingerly on the desk. "When's the exact date?"

"Oh! It's March 26th." Renjun can't stop himself from letting out a huge sigh of frustration — the wedding and his art exhibit are just two days apart. He can't imagine the amount of stress that he'll be dealing with but one thing's for sure though. He won't miss the wedding, he'll make it work.

"You should bring a date to the wedding!" Sicheng continues talking, his voice dripping with excitement. Renjun keeps his lips sealed, not trusting himself to say anything right now. The anxiety is growing in his stomach and he just wants to curl up; he's too caught up with the events happening that he loses himself among them.

"It'll be more fun for you if you can bring someone." His voice is weighing in a strange amount of hope. It takes a moment for Renjun to realize that his brother is concerned about him closing himself off again. He has that habit of pushing away people and Sicheng has always encouraged him to get out and meet more individuals, see where the world will take him. Ever since he broke up with Jeno, it's been actually rather too troublesome for him to deal with relationships so he's settled with keeping just a few of his friends and no one else.

"You okay?" Sicheng asks and Renjun jumps in surprise, pinching the bridge of his nose before running a hand down his face with a small smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You'll be there, right?" Renjun elicits a soft chuckle, his stare on the empty canvas is steady as he nods his head with an exhausted smile gracing his lips. He'll find a way to make this work.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

-

"Sicheng hyung is getting married?" Jaemin practically beams in excitement, his eyes glimmering with happiness as he plops right down on the seat right in front of Renjun. Jaemin is one of his closest friends — they've been rather inseparable since high school and even after all the cracks that happened in their relationships with Jeno, Donghyuck, and Mark, they never let each other down. Renjun wouldn't be exaggerating if he said that he'll be more than willing to take a bullet for his best friend.

"Yeah, it's a surprise that he ended up getting married." Renjun lets out a soft laugh, his gaze settling right on the window and losing himself briefly in watching the people pass by the café. He heaves a sigh as he lets his thoughts wander senselessly, the stress of the art exhibit and the wedding hanging over his shoulders.

"It's not a surprise that he'll end up marrying Yuta hyung though." Jaemin chips in with a lighthearted laugh, glancing down at his own cup of coffee before taking a sip. "They've been inseparable for like forever already."

Renjun can't help but burst into a fit of chortles, leaning back against his chair with a deep sigh. When he doesn't reply, Jaemin peers at him with furrowed brows, a streak of concern coloring itself on his features. He tilts his head with his unwavering gaze steady on him, a frown already curling on his lips.

"What's wrong?" Jaemin prods gently, his voice soft as he leans in close. He's gazing at Renjun with such a worried look in his dark orbs that the older boy feels compelled to tell him everything — about all the burdens he have about the art exhibit, how this wedding is causing him a shocking amount of stress even when it shouldn't. And how, for some reason, his heart ached when his brother brought up about bringing someone to the wedding.

Somehow, he can't stop thinking about a certain someone — the same boy who made him laugh until his stomach is aching and his cheeks hurt so bad from smiling so much. The same boy who would be there in a heartbeat the moment he calls him up with his voice filled with sadness. The same boy who would endlessly tell him how breathtaking Renjun is and that he's so lucky that he's given the chance to fall madly and deeply with him.

_Lee Jeno._

"It's nothing." Renjun seals his lips shut, trying his best to pull the corners of his mouth into a reassuring smile. Jaemin doesn't seem even a little bit close to being convinced; he arches a brow before the frown playing on his lips goes deeper. Renjun swallows uncomfortably, suddenly feeling his nerves hitting the roof as he averts his gaze to somewhere else.

"It doesn't look like nothing." Jaemin puts a lot of emphasis on the word _nothing_ that Renjun ends up flinching at the sound of the syllables rolling off his tongue. When he tears his gaze away from the table and lets it settle back on Jaemin's face, he can see the other boy staring at him with a softened look painted on his features.

"You know that you can tell me anything, right?" Renjun's eyes fall shut, his eyelashes very gently kissing the curve of his cheeks. He takes a deep breath, calming down the erratic beating of his heart before his eyes flutter open. Their gazes lock almost instantaneously and Renjun can no longer push down the urge to blurt out his problem right now.

"I just feel so stressed, you know? With the art exhibit and all that. Suddenly, my brother's wedding comes in and it turns out, the date they picked out is two days before the exhibit." Renjun says the words all too hurriedly that Jaemin barely gets to follow through. He halts himself, teeth sinking down on his plush lower lip and chewing on it while Jaemin patiently waits for him to continue. He ends up with slumped shoulders as an inaudible exhale fall from his pair.

"My brother told me that I can bring someone to the wedding." His eyes dart to the table, his interest piqued as he stares intensely at the patterns drawn across it. He ends up pursuing his lips afterwards with a shaky breath. "I'm not sure if I should actually do that."

"You don't have to bring anyone to the wedding. It's not like it's a requirement for you to drag a date to it." Jaemin nonchalantly responds and Renjun sighs in reply instead, not bothering to lift his gaze from the glass surface.

"I know," He swallows and lets his fingers linger around his straw, toying it. "Just got reminded me of someone when he brought it up."

There's a heartbeat of silence that stretches between them before Jaemin leans his elbows on the surface, gazing quite intensely at Renjun. The other boy shifts uncomfortably in his seat, not used to the way Jaemin is looking at him, as if carefully tearing apart every expression that crosses his visage. Just when he parts his lips to ask why is Jaemin is acting like that, the latter emits a sigh and leans back on his chair, drumming his fingers on the table with a contemplative glint in his eyes.

"It's Jeno, isn't it?" He freezes in place. He takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly but even then, the rhythm of his heartbeat is going by all too fast. Renjun's head is spinning and there's so many thoughts swirling in his mind but all of them are speaking about one boy. He doesn't trust himself to speak so he nods, dark orbs colored with an incredible amount of frustration and confusion. Jaemin's expression softens, reaching a hand out to clasp it over his. Renjun's lips quirk up only for a bit before they drop back down into a frown.

"Do you miss him?"

Renjun is expecting to hear that question at one point. If it's another person, Renjun would dismiss the question with a shake of his head and an easy smile curling on his lips. But this is Jaemin — the same boy who dropped everything the moment Renjun cried to him after breaking up with Jeno. He knows every little detail of his relationship since once in their lifetimes, they were all inseparable too.

Or at least, that's what Renjun wants to trick himself into thinking.

It would be foolish of him to lie through his gritted teeth in front of his best friend. Jaemin is smart; he can hear every lie that's hidden under every word that escapes Renjun's rosy pair. It's no use for him to pull out a lie on the tip of his tongue since Jaemin knows him like the back of his hand.

"I think so." Renjun emits a humorless laugh, his stomach twisting in anxiety as he buries his face in his hands with a soft whimper. "I think I only miss my memories with him. I don't actually miss him."

"Are you sure?" Jaemin's voice comes off gentle yet there's something about his tone that's begging for Renjun to say the goddamn truth — that he's still in love with Jeno. Which is, in Renjun's words to himself, quite _pathetic_.

Three years ago, Renjun convinced himself that he's falling out of love and he stepped on his impulse without a second thought. He pulled the trigger so carelessly that the bite of the bullet stings too much for them to move on properly. It was sudden, out of the blue — he severed Jeno's heart and left him to take care of the mess.

He can't come back years later, begging for Jeno to take him back. He needs his pride and god knows how much hatred Jeno has stored in his chest because of what Renjun mercilessly did to him. Going back to him will do absolutely nothing; what if, one day, the vicious cycle only continues? What if they further ruin whatever they saved in their relationship and wreck it into pieces?

What happens then?

"Yes," Renjun lies all too easily, nodding his head firmly with his lips set in a firm line. Jaemin doesn't look anywhere near to being convinced by his one word reply but he doesn't push it. If he pushes through with it, Renjun will end up straying away and building up his walls again — he needs his space and Jaemin is willing to give him that.

"Okay, whatever you say." Jaemin pauses, gaze dropping on his coffee before he lets his stare flicker over to the window. Renjun follows his gaze and they both take a moment to admire the scenery right out the café. The sidewalk is littered with people walking too fast to get to their next appointment. Christmas decorations somehow still hang everywhere but Renjun doesn't mind — he has always loved winter at this time of the new year.

"There's a certain emotion that sparks in someone's eyes whenever they say that they miss the memories of somebody else." Jaemin speaks quietly and Renjun allows his gaze to avert from the window and let it drop to the boy in front of him. He stays silent, awaiting for the next words that will spill from his lips. Jaemin's lips twitch just the slightest but they don't form into a smile like they usually do.

"There's only sadness or fondness they feel when they say that." A chuckle falls from Jaemin's lips as he finally faces to Renjun with an arched brow. "I see other emotions in you though."

"Oh, really?" Renjun presses on, his voice firm and challenging his best friend. "What are they?"

"Hurt, longing, and regret." Jaemin drops his voice into a whisper, almost sounding sorrowful for a second. "And so much love."

Renjun withdraws his gaze away from him, swallowing thickly. He takes a deep breath, the dizziness slamming back down on him as he shuts his eyes close. He feels vulnerable, as if someone harshly pulled him apart and revealed every secret residing in his body.

"You don't have to be ashamed for feeling like that. You've known Jeno for so long and for you guys to break up out of the blue, it's bound to bury a lot of emotions in both of you."

"It doesn't matter," Renjun tries to grin but his voice is filled with a sense of finality. "We're over so it doesn't matter now." A period on his words and nothing else.

Jaemin seems to understand it well, his eyes filled with concern and worry as he grips Renjun's hand in a tight hold. He gives his fingers a rather gentle squeeze, enough for the edges of Renjun's mouth to quirk up into a smile.

"I'm here for you." Renjun meets his eyes and he allows himself to smile widely, eyes crinkling.

"I know."

-

Renjun sinks on the mattress of his bed, staring blankly at the dull color of the wall in front of him. The paint has already faded into a bleak color, bleeding through the concrete but Renjun doesn't have the urge to draw paint over it. The night is hanging heavily, curtaining the room in a flood of darkness. At the corner, there are crumpled balls of paper on the floor and canvases with unfinished paintings streaked across them. There's lines of paint on the wall and Renjun almost flinches at the sight of it, heaving a sigh as he makes a mental note to clean everything.

But right now, for the most ludicrous reason ever, he simply wants to curl up, hug his knees against his chest and drown in his thoughts.

He thinks about the art exhibition — the one that he's been looking forward to the most. He's been building up his career around this and this could be his big break already, if he doesn't let anything distract him. But everything is collapsing on top of one another and he's losing his grip slowly on his original sort of priorities.

God, why does he have to think about Jeno now?

He lets himself to drop on the bed, his back aching as he stares up at the ceiling with lips pursued. If Renjun is truthful now, he does let his mind wander at times — he wonders what would have happened if he didn't cross the distance between his dorm to Jeno's dorm that night. What if he never took notice of the growing distance between them as Jeno continuously buries himself in insurmountable amount of work, fingers flipping through the pages of his medical books? What if he never loosened his grip on their relationship and at least tried to talk about their issues, save the pieces that haven't burned to the ground yet?

 _Right_ , Renjun emits a soft, humorless laugh as he covers his eyes with his arm. _Of course._

He did try to talk to Jeno but they were never at the same wavelength, the same page in a book. Jeno is always too stressed about his piled up work and Renjun doesn't know how to talk about his feelings. His throat closes up every time Jeno snuggles close to him and pulls him in his arms, asking him quietly if they're okay.

Renjun isn't sure when's the last time that they've ever come close to being okay.

Maybe it's the relentless way that Jeno asks him, _are we okay, are we okay, are we okay_ that Renjun starts to craft the idea in his head that maybe he doesn't love Jeno as much as he did years ago. He figures out that if your partner starts asking if you two are okay, you aren't okay at all — there will always be that sinking feeling embedded in your stomach even if you let the words _we're okay_ roll off your tongue as if they weigh nothing.

The more Renjun wraps his thoughts about the dreaded break up, the more he comes to the terms that he did the right choice — there was no more spark in them. The fire had long died between them and Renjun is unfortunately the first one who took notice of the ashes scraping at the corners of their relationship.

 _I did the right thing._ He thinks as he removes his arms, counting the seconds down as he waits for the exhaustion to seep through his bones at eleven in the evening. Just like clockwork.

_We wouldn't survive if I kept him around._

Renjun emits a heavy sigh, throwing a blanket around his raging thoughts and deciding to store them away for another night of restlessness. He scoots up, diving underneath the duvets and wrapping them up around his tiny frame, searching for any sort of warmth. The heater is knocked out again and he adds a mental note to his list to repair it at least.

As the fatigue finally tugs on his body, lulling him in a state of senseless dream, he thinks about Jeno for one last time. He wonders about how wonderful it would be to have Jeno right beside him, his arms wrapped around him from behind with his nose pressed against the crook of his neck. How nice it would be to feel his lips against his skin and steal his breath effortlessly for one last time.

This time, Renjun dreams of nothing but Lee Jeno.

-

Renjun's feet are aching so badly — he wants to take a seat on the floor and curl up, even if he knows how deadly freezing the exhibition is due to the AC unit if he doesn't move around. With a scowl drawn on his lips, he adds one more note to his mental list in his head as he steals a glance around the hallway. He really should get someone to fix the air conditioning system if he doesn't want to freeze up in here.

"Hey," Chenle, his younger cousin, flashes a cheeky grin at him as he playfully nudges a kick right at Renjun's thigh. The older boy's scowl goes deeper but Chenle doesn't seem at all fazed about it, shrugging his shoulders as he hugs the box he's carrying against his chest.

"What?" Renjun's voice is brimming with exhaustion and it catches Chenle's attention easily. He tilts his head, a watchful gaze directed at Renjun as the other boy grabs two boxes from the floor, heaving a deep sigh as his arms shake slightly though his stoic expression doesn't give anything away.

"You look exhausted."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious." Renjun emits a shaky breath as he struggles to carry it to the next room, almost tempted to drop the boxes he's carrying. But he holds himself just in time when his fingers have started to slip away from the boxes, huffing as he puts them down on the floor.

Jaehyun, his boss, may look sweet but he wouldn't hesitate to hold a knife to anyone's throat if they mess up with the valuable paintings.

He ends up dropping himself on the floor, stretching his legs out in front of him. He emits a satisfied sigh when he runs his hands down his thighs, massaging them thoroughly because the soreness is catching up to him again.

"Are you bringing someone to the wedding?" Chenle appears after a moment, accidentally tripping over Renjun's legs and yelping as he hastily clutches the box to his chest. Renjun winces, pulling his legs back and hugging them close to his torso whilst Chenle finally lays the container down on the ground.

"What did you say?"

"I asked if you're bringing someone to Sicheng ge's wedding." Chenle plops down right next to him, craning his neck before a relieved sigh falls from his lips when he presses his back against the wall.

"I don't think I'm bringing anyone. Probably Nana but who knows, I might end up going solo." Renjun mumbles as he scoots over until his own back meets the concrete wall, letting his head rest against it with a soft sigh. He lets his gaze flick over to Chenle, eyeing him with an arched brow. "And you?"

Chenle's ears turn red in embarrassment and as much as he tries to stop himself from smiling, his lips twitch the slightest as he buries his face in his hands. Renjun finds himself mirroring his expression, clearly amused at how his cousin is acting shy.

"I asked Jisung," Chenle composes himself, acting as if he wasn't affected. He clears his throat and his eyes dart over to the paintings decorating the rather dull color of the walls in the room. "My best friend."

"Sure," Renjun flashes a mischievous smile, his teeth showing. "Your _best_ _friend_."

"Shut up." Chenle grumbles, his cheeks dusted with pink; he hastily runs his hands down on them before his teeth sinks down on his bottom to stop himself from grinning. Renjun rolls his eyes but his smile grows wider, leaning over to ruffle the younger boy's hair. Chenle shoots a glare at him, shaking his head and swatting the other boy's hand, shooing his fingers away from his hair.

"You should bring someone special to the wedding. Like a date! I don't think Nana hyung counts though."

"Why would I do that?" Renjun questions him and Chenle resists the urge to roll his eyes, keeping his lips shut as he pulls himself close to Renjun's side instead.

"Oh, please. You haven't met anyone new after—" Renjun's expression hardens, already dreading the name that almost slips off Chenle's lips. The younger boy looks rather guilty as he casts his gaze down, picking at the loose strand on his jeans. The silence stretches between them too long that Chenle breaks it soon after with a muffled sigh.

"I just don't want you to close yourself up. It's been too long since I've seen you smile." Chenle murmurs and Renjun shakes his head, parting his lips to speak but the other cuts him off.

"I'm fine—"

"The last time I saw you smile so genuinely was when—" Chenle halts, swallowing as he averts his stare from his jeans to Renjun's expectant eyes on him. His lips curve into a hesitant smile, unconsciously tugging right on the hem of his sweater. "—you were still with... Jeno."

Renjun's eyes fall shut and a frustrated groan falls from his lips. He hates how his stomach twists due to his anxiety and he despises how, years later, he has only started to feel like this. It's as if his feelings that were supposed to burst years ago just decided to explode now, right when he's supposed to be busy with the art exhibition and the wedding.

"I'm sorry." Chenle mumbles, his eyes steady on the older boy and his dark orbs are filled to the brim with regret for bringing up Renjun's ex-boyfriend. "Didn't mean to say his name."

"It's fine," Renjun says quickly, all too fast that Chenle ends up sealing his mouth tightly, for fear that Renjun might react differently if they push through with the topic. An uncomfortable silence blankets over them and Chenle can't seem to stand it. He reaches over to playfully throw a punch at Renjun's shoulder, a smile curved on his pair as his eyes crinkled.

"Hey, you'll be okay going as a solo for the wedding. After all, you can always meet someone special right there." Chenle wiggles his eyebrows, his voice dripping with playfulness. Renjun can't hold back the laugh that bubbles in his throat, spilling easily from his lips as he shakes his head.

"Shut up." Renjun casts another glance at the boxes before meeting Chenle's eyes, a smile playing on the edges of his mouth. "Let's finish up so we can go home already. My back is killing me." He tilts his head at the containers in front of them and Chenle grunts, the weariness laced around his voice.

"Okay, fine."

-

"What do you mean you can't go?" Renjun rests his fingers against the glass window of a clothing shop, a frown edging on his lips. "Jaem, you said you weren't busy."

"I know," Jaemin's voice sounds rough at the edges but the regret is clear in his tone. "But Yukhei told me that there's an incredible job offer in New York and I couldn't turn it down. I'm exhausted of staying in a stuffy office full of lawyers."

"Nana, you're a lawyer." Renjun mutters under his breath and even the tension rising, Jaemin emits a laugh at the sound of his words.

"I meant to say that it's sickening for me to stay in an office, watching all the other lawyers snatch up cases except for me."

Renjun anxiously gnaws on his lower lip, letting his fingers graze along the window. The glass is cool to touch and somehow, it's relieving to the headache that's starting to sneak its way through his head. He takes another swift look at the tailored suits before he turns on his heel, resting his back against the window.

"I'm sorry, Jun. I know I promised that I would be at least available so you would have a date at the wedding but this could be a big break for me, you know?"

Renjun can't argue with that — the art exhibition coming up for him could turn around his luck in an instant. He understands why Jaemin would want to jump on this opportunity and hopefully have no regrets, especially since the job offer is enough to make Jaemin ecstatic about moving to another country. He would do the same if he were in Jaemin's shoes.

"It's okay." Renjun sniffles, pinching the bridge of his nose as he holds back a sigh from leaving his pair. He forces a smile to curve on his lips, stealing a glance at the people walking by in front of him, occasionally throwing a glare at him when he unknowingly stares too long at them.

"I'm really sorry, Jun."

"It's fine, I promise!" Renjun's teeth catches onto his bottom lip, chewing on it thoughtfully before he starts to talk once again. "Just... take care of yourself, okay?"

Jaemin elicits a sweet laugh and Renjun registers the sound of staplers being moved around and the dull noise of the conversations echoing in the background. Somehow, he's going to miss his little conversations with his best friend — considering how busy they are, it'll be harder to talk since Jaemin might end up on a country that's thousand miles away with a completely different timezone.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure to call you every day and update you about my boring life."

"Boring life? Tsk, that doesn't sound like you." Jaemin chortles and there's a brief sound of papers hitting the table. He speaks again, his voice still dripping with an unusual amount of sadness.

"I'll miss you." A pause before a sigh echoes in the other line. "I'm sorry again, Jun. Have you already said to Sicheng hyung that you're bringing a plus one?"

Renjun flinches involuntarily at his question, nodding his head with his lips set in a grim line. "Yes."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Jaemin echoes the familiar set of words and Renjun can't find it in himself to say _it's fine_ when he's busy letting his nervousness run its course through his body. His eyes search the now almost empty sidewalk before he starts to walk down on it with a sigh.

"Don't worry, I'll find someone else to fill your spot."

"Okay," The worry doesn't edge away from Jaemin's voice and Renjun notices it fast. They both stay silent for a heartbeat and Jaemin breaks the quietness with a gentle voice.

"I'll make sure to treat you before I leave."

"That's not even debatable. That's already expected from you." This time, Renjun's lips quirk up into a grin as Jaemin bursts into a quiet fit of chuckles, the sound trailing off easily. There's the sound of the chair creaking and Jaemin's bright voice clears through in an instant.

"I'll talk to you again tonight, okay? Might even swing by your apartment and bring you dinner."

"I am eating dinner!"

"Jun, a bowl of ramen doesn't qualify for a meal for you now." Jaemin clicks his tongue, voice sounding firm. "I'll drop by later. I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Fine." Renjun sighs, a signal for Jaemin that the older boy has finally admitted defeat. He bids the other boy goodbye, shutting his phone down before he gets another earful of lectures from him. He glances at the nearby café, peering through the windows to see if there are any people but surprisingly, it looks quite deserted. Only a handful of people are sitting idly and talking and the barista waiting by the counter appears bored out of his mind.

He wraps the scarf around his neck but he slips off his blue, warm earmuffs the moment his hand meets the glass door. He slips the earmuffs into his bag and lets the strap sling over his shoulder. He pushes the door open and a rush of warm air collides with his skin, wrapping his figure up in a comforting and homey embrace. The dimmed lights hanging over his head sends him a relaxing state — his usually stiff shoulders loosening as he freely glances around to admire the decors. Everything feels right at home about this café and his heart flutters at the thought of spending every afternoon here whilst he searches for his muse for his painting.

He's lost in admiring the scenery in front of him that he didn't hear the soft tinkling of the bell as the door swings open. He didn't feel the sudden hold of the cold air around him in a second before the warmth settles in his bones again. It's only the sound of the footsteps gently hitting the wooden flooring and the familiar, oh so achingly familiar, voice echoing within the walls of the café.

"Renjun?"

He freezes up — every part of him aches and there's a burst of emotions in his chest. He takes a deep breath, exhaling shakily but it does nothing to soothe down the sudden erratic beating of his heart.

"Renjun, is that you?"

 _Oh god,_ Renjun's eyes fall shut, his thoughts collapsing on top of one another. He's rendered speechless as fate steals the words lying on the tip of his tongue, robbing him of all the unsaid words hanging over them ever since that day. He takes another deep breath, his eyes fluttering open as he spins on his heel to face the intruder. When his line of his sight settles on the male in front of him, he's knocked out breathless by how mesmerizing he is.

"Jeno." He says his name curtly and the latter unknowingly flinches, as if Renjun landed a blow at his chest. The name sounds so foreign rolling off his tongue but _god_ , those two syllables brought back an ache that he's been trying to bury for so many years. He hates how, years later, he's deeply affected by a name of someone he knew back in high school.

"Hey." Jeno shifts uncomfortably in his position, gaze darting elsewhere. He's awkward, as always. It's endearing though, how he's been like this ever since they've crossed paths back in high school. Even until now, he's still the same — awkward yet charming at the same time.

 _God, he's still the same._ Renjun swallows the hurt that burrowed itself in his chest, his fingers twitching at his sides. Still the same sweetheart that he once fell so deeply in love with, that at once in his lifetime, he swore that he could see Jeno in his future. That what he has with Jeno wasn't just a whirlwind of romance — it was never like that at all. It was something that was entirely indescribable and Renjun has always known right from the start that Jeno will always be special to him, no matter what.

"Hi," Renjun clears his throat, quietly tugging on his navy blue jacket. "How are you?"

Jeno doesn't respond; he only eyes him with a scrutinizing gaze that Renjun feels self-conscious as he once again pulls at the hem of his jacket. His heart drops when he realizes that it's the exact same jacket that Jeno gifted to him during their second anniversary. He really meant to discard it but he can never bring himself to actually do it — he backs out at the last second and bury it underneath his pile of clothes, forcing himself to forget that the jacket was given to him by someone special to him.

"I, uh," Renjun emits a nervous laugh, discreetly trying to shrug off the jacket but Jeno reaches out, stopping him in time by holding onto his wrist. Jeno jerks away too fast, clearly shocked at his own actions and Renjun swallows the hurt that dripped in his throat.

"Sorry, I just... didn't expect that you would still have that." Jeno glances at him with an apologetic look and Renjun shrugs his shoulders carelessly, lips curling into a smile.

"Me too." He mumbles under his breath and thankfully, Jeno didn't seem to heard him since he didn't react. There's a glint of hope that passes through his dark orbs, all too quickly it faded away that Renjun convinces himself that it's only his imagination making that up.

"It was nice seeing you again, Jun— I mean, Renjun. Sorry." The words fall hurriedly from Jeno's lips that Renjun didn't exactly feel that punch in his heart when Jeno corrected himself. "I guess I'll see you—"

"Are you busy?" Jeno has already taken a step back and Renjun follows him, taking a step forward. The distance between them is short yet they leave just enough space to respect each other. Jeno casts him a look of confusion before he halts, his movements are obviously showing off his reluctance to commit to an answer. He settles with a firm shake of his head, lips pursued into a thin line.

"Do you," Renjun pushes down his pride and begs to the stars to at least allow him to finish his request. He takes a deep breath, a wave of calmness crashing within his body as he lets the words spill from his lips, "Do you want to get a cup of coffee with me?"

Jeno blinks once, twice rapidly before dumbly pointing to himself with cheeks dusted with red tint. "Me?"

Renjun can't help but burst into a fit of laughter, nodding his head before slightly lowering it so Jeno wouldn't catch sight of the heat rising to the curves of his cheeks. He nods his head, slipping his hands in the pockets of his jacket, glancing at Jeno with a hopeful glimmer in his dark orbs. "Yes, you."

Jeno takes in the sight of him — gaze flickering from the scenery outside before his eyes land back on Renjun, tilting his head to the side. After a heartbeat, a smile graces his lips and Renjun's heart hurts _so_ much upon seeing it because god, he missed that smile with every piece of his soul.

"Okay."

-

It's awkward.

The tension is high between them, hanging over their heads. Renjun can feel it running through his bones as the pads of his fingers run along the rim of his coffee cup, quietly urging himself to stay calm. His eyes are casted on the drink in front, listening to the mundane conversations surrounding them whilst Jeno fiddles with his own cup with a slight frown.

"So," Renjun breaks the silence and he almost freezes up when Jeno switches his gaze to him, pinning him down on his seat with a single arched eyebrow and his stare right at him. An awkward laugh bubbles from his throat, sounding raspy and rough at the edges.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay." Jeno flashes him a sweet smile and Renjun takes a deep breath, wanting to let his eyes flutter shut because for some reason, a simple smile like that could make him weak. "Tired from the shifts in the hospital but hey, it's what I signed up for so I can't complain." The younger male emits a lighthearted laugh and Renjun lets his gaze settle on him properly, carefully analyzing the expression that crosses his face.

Jeno looks exhausted — dark circles under his eyes and there's a sort of heaviness in the way he moves. He looks beyond enervated but still, there's a certain spark in his dark orbs and a smile easily gracing his lips. Renjun wants to reach out and slip his fingers through the spaces in Jeno's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze but he doesn't want to cross the boundaries.

"Renjun? You okay?" Jeno waves a hand over his face and Renjun jerks back in surprise, eyes wide. The boy in front of him looks puzzled but a flash of amusement appears in his eyes before it gradually fades away as he clears his throat.

"I'm okay, yeah." Renjun mutters before mustering up a wide smile, eyes crinkled. "Busy with the upcoming art exhibition, that's all."

"Oh," Jeno quirks his lips into a brief smile, gaze directed at the cup of coffee in front of him. "That sounds amazing."

"Yeah, it is." Renjun trails off and the silence seeps through the atmosphere again. It's uncomfortable and heavy and Renjun is tempted to say anything, everything all at once. He can feel the seconds ticking by right on his back, a constant reminder that he's supposed to repair the cracks in their already ruined relationship. But one wrong word will push Jeno away from his reach and Renjun is goddamn afraid of that happening once again.

"Jun, I'm really glad that your life is turning wonderfully. I'm so proud of you."

"Really?" Renjun responds, the disbelief is wrapped tightly around his question. Jeno tilts his head at him, eyeing him for a moment before he slowly nods his head with a slight quirk of his lips upwards.

"Yes."

Renjun lowers his head, suddenly feeling lightheaded as his eyes fall shut with a shaky breath spilling from his pair. He doesn't understand why — why in the world is Jeno being so nice to him? He's supposed to be upset or even angry but he's right here, sitting right in front of him with a smile drawn across his mouth.

It almost seems like an impossibility.

"Why would you say that?" Renjun can't keep the bitterness and surprise away from his tone as he eyes him with a deep frown, "I broke your heart." His voice breaks into a whisper and the regret buries itself in the confines of his chest as soon as the words left his mouth.

The stillness stretches between them and Renjun can't deny that his heart is pounding against his ribcage, making him dazed and confused. There's a streak of hurt that crosses Jeno's features and Renjun hurriedly reaches out, without a second thought, to grab hold of the other boy's hand. The shock registers when Jeno's warm fingers collide against his own and it takes everything in him to pointedly ignore the wild fluttering of his heart in his chest.

"I'm sorry, I just—"

"You're right," Jeno clenches his jaw and his expression darkens for a second before everything fades away as he heaves a sigh. "I never got mad at you for breaking up with me out of the blue." He glances down at their intertwined hands and he cautiously slips his fingers right out of the older boy's hold. Renjun sets his lips into a grim line, a stoic expression painted on his face as he lets his hands drop to his empty lap instead.

"I'm sorry." Renjun echoes his own words and Jeno elicits a sigh in reply, shaking his head.

"Stop apologizing. Just," The frustration is obvious in his movements as he tugs on his light blue sweater, running his fingers through the strands of his hair. "Stop. Please."

Renjun doesn't trust himself to say anything else so he keeps his gaze on the table, drumming his fingers on his lap. Jeno leans close and that's enough for Renjun to raise his eyes, meeting his steady gaze with a frown edging on his lips. The younger boy softens up and there's another emotion that runs through his dark orbs, slipping by too fast that Renjun doesn't get a quick grasp on it.

"I'm sorry, I feel like—" Jeno drums his fingers hastily on the wooden table, gnawing on his bottom lip. "This is a mistake, isn't it? Us meeting again?"

This time, Renjun can't stop himself from letting the hurt course itself through his veins. He's been wondering about how it would be like to meet Jeno again but nothing ever prepared him for the painful blow at his chest. There's a tender ache residing in it and Renjun can't find the strength to bury it and let it burn into ashes. Jeno must have noticed since his entire expression changes — from a flick of sadness in his dark orbs to the way he ducks his head with pursued lips.

"Can't we be friends?" Renjun flinches at his own suggestion but he doesn't feel the urge to take it back. He _needs_ Jeno near him, whether as a friend or someone more. It's a risky decision since he knows what kind of feelings he have for him.

"I don't know, Renjun," Jeno whispers, his usually starry eyes have dimmed and the older boy can no longer search for the usual brightness in his dark orbs. Renjun's heart aches when he realizes that Jeno doesn't call him _Injun_ or even _Jun_ anymore — he settled on calling him by his whole name. A name that Renjun is supposed to be familiar with but with Jeno, his own name sounds foreign.

"After everything that happened, it'll be hard to just go back to what we were before we dated." Jeno pauses before emitting an awkward laugh, rubbing the nape of his neck. "Though I don't think we were anywhere near to being friends since we... well, flirted a lot since we met."

Renjun cracks a weak smile at his words. A bare minimum of an effort. "We did, didn't we?"

"Yeah, remember when we exchanged horrible pick-up lines in the middle of class and Ms. Yoon had to call us to the front and tell everyone about what we were talking about?" This time, Renjun bursts into a fit of loud laughter, hands quickly covering his mouth to muffle the sound that spilled from his lips.

"God, it was so awkward flirting with you right in front of the class." Jeno snorts, shaking his head before a cheeky grin graces his lips.

"You were blushing too."

"I wasn't!"

"You were!" Jeno gestures to his face with his fingers, biting down on his lower lip to stop himself from smiling so widely but he fails to do so. "Your cheeks were practically on fire."

They share another laugh before the sound eventually dies out and the quietness settles in once more. Renjun blinks rapidly, dropping his head as he lets his gaze fixate on the table. He can't bring himself to raise his head and figure out the expression that Jeno is sporting on his features — he's afraid of what Jeno is feeling right now.

"I'm sorry." Jeno speaks up, his voice dripping with sadness at the edge as he swallows, darting his gaze in the direction of the glass doors. "I know we went through a lot and... I don't know if I can handle that again."

 _But we can always try again. We can find a way to make this work._ Renjun's thoughts are yelling at him to do something, to say something to change Jeno's mind but when he sees the firmness in his expression, his stomach churns uncomfortably. Maybe he shouldn't push through with this too much — he has to respect Jeno's decision and deal with the pain in his chest.

"I get it, don't worry." Renjun halts and his face softens, a small smile curling on his lips. "It was really nice to see you again though."

"You too." The hesitation and awkwardness are back in Jeno's movements, eyes flickering back and forth between Renjun and the glass doors. The direction of his feet are pointed right at the exit and Renjun heaves a deep exhale, letting his gaze land on Jeno to watch his next move.

"I should," Jeno checks his watch and elicits an inaudible sigh, schooling his expression to resemble sorrow and regret as he gestures to the door, "Go. Yeah, my shift is starting soon."

"Of course, I'll see you around?" Renjun can't help but feel his voice slip into a tone showcasing his hope. His unwavering hope that maybe one day, Jeno will be his friend again. That would be enough for him.

Jeno stares at him for a long moment, the stillness echoing in their atmosphere before he cracks a smile, nodding his head. "Sure."

With that, Jeno leaves the table, lingering for one last moment at the glass doors. He turns to look at Renjun and both of them flash each other a saddened smile before Jeno finally pushes through the doors, trudging right out into the cold air.

Of course, it's no question that he takes Renjun's heart with him.

-

"Did I mess up?" Renjun rests his head against the couch, wrapping the blanket around his figure. He carelessly scoots over, making enough space for Jaemin to slip right beside him so they can stay warm whilst watching the film.

"No, why would you say that?" Jaemin shoots him a puzzled look before he manages to slip under the blanket, laying his head on Renjun's shoulder and hooking their arms together. Renjun heaves a sigh and presses his cheek on top of his best friend's head, eyes steady on the television though honestly, he's not paying any attention to the movie playing. He's too caught up in the earlier events that happened and he can't _stop_ thinking about Jeno.

"Don't know," He elicits a deep exhale, barely able to keep his eyes open and watch the film. "Jeno doesn't want to do anything with me and I don't blame him. But it still hurts, you know?"

Jaemin doesn't reply; he pulls away, only to switch up their position by letting Renjun rest his head against his shoulder whilst the younger male rests the side of his face against the top of his head. He gingerly plays with Renjun's fingers with his own, a worried frown playing at the edges of his mouth.

"Did he react badly when you guys met?"

"No," Renjun can feel the corners of his mouth creasing and tugging down to form a frown. "That's the point. He could have easily ignored me or spilled all his anger on me but he didn't do any of those things. He's still a sweetheart and it—it fucking _sucks_ because how can he be _so_ nice to me after what happened?"

Jaemin keeps his lips sealed, gaze steady on the television. Renjun shuts his mouth too and simply lets out a sigh, eyes already starting to fall shut. He's sure that it's nearing eleven in the evening since his body tends to start to shut down when the hands of the clock hit that time. He's about to let his eyes flutter shut and drift off to sleep when Jaemin speaks again, voice quiet and low that Renjun almost misses his words.

"I think he misses you."

Renjun jerks away, throwing a muddled glance at his best friend as his brows furrow together. "What?"

"He misses you, Jun." Jaemin grabs hold of the remote control, shutting off the television so he could spare his entire attention to the boy beside him. Jaemin doesn't appear to be anywhere near to be playful or teasing, his expression firm as his lips pursue into a thin line. Renjun blinks rapidly, an eyebrow arching slightly to show his confusion.

"How is that possible? He couldn't possibly miss me after what I did to him."

"Did you forget that we all used to hang out together?" Jaemin flashes a grin before it eventually fades away as he clears his throat, glancing down with a sigh.

"I know how Jeno is like when he goes through a break up." He sets his mouth into a firm line, casting a quick glance at Renjun. The other only raises a brow, keeping quiet as he waits for Jaemin to start speaking again. The taller boy heaves a deep sigh, letting his back rest properly against the couch as he lets his line of vision rest on the ceiling instead, avoiding Renjun's inquisitive stare.

"Before he dated you, he used to get into flings. A lot of flings, actually." Jaemin grimaces, face scrunching up as he carefully sorts through his memories. "He wasn't the asshole type of guy though. He was actually sweet and everyone is bound to fall in love with his charming self."

"And?"

Jaemin cracks a small, sad smile before he tugs the corners of his lips into a deep frown. "Every time he breaks up with any of them, he tends to be distant and cold. He also has the tendency to act like the relationship never happened in the first place so he doesn't have to rebuild relationships with the people he dated. It must have been easier for him to ignore them than to indulge themselves in their fantasies." Jaemin cringes and shakes his head at his own choice of words.

"Okay, that does sound like an asshole move but he only does it so his exes wouldn't get any spark of hope that he'll get back with them. Kind of like he's trying to protect himself and them too from any unnecessary hurt."

He spares a glance at Renjun and the older boy only sports on a frown, not understanding the direction of the conversation is steering into. Renjun leans close, eyebrows knitted together. "So, what does this all mean? He still likes me just because he didn't freeze me out completely like what he did to his previous exes?"

"I think so," One of the corners of Jaemin's mouth quirks up to form a half-smile, a hopeful glint in his eyes. "You're really special to him, Jun."

"I doubt that." Renjun emits a humorless, cold chuckle, shaking his head to show his disbelief. "He doesn't even want to be friends with me."

"Injun, both of you got hurt. Maybe he's afraid that it might reopen some old wounds if you guys become friends again," Jaemin's teeth sinks down on his bottom lip, worried eyes gazing at Renjun before he tilts his head. "But who knows, maybe fate has something planned for you two — I mean, you did meet him again right after I needed to cancel my invitation to the wedding. Maybe he'll be your date instead."

Renjun snickers at the thought, arching a brow at the boy beside him. "A wedding is the least favorite place that we could go to together, after what happened to us."

"Maybe this wedding will unite, not just one, but two couples."

"That thought almost sounds ludicrous."

Jaemin narrows his eyes right at him, jabbing a finger right at his chest. Renjun ends up chuckling, using his arms to cover up his chest hastily.

"From the way you talk, it's hard to tell that you're actually an artist because you're such a cynical thinker at times."

"And you're such a romantic," Renjun flashes a cheeky grin, this time using his own finger to jab playfully right at Jaemin's chest. The other boy pretends to wince, jutting out his lower lip as he rubs the assaulted spot with a hand. "I feel like we have our jobs mixed up."

They share a laugh and the sound trails off, the silence easily blanketing over them. But it's a comfortable kind of stillness so Renjun lets himself get draped over by the moonlight slipping through the blinds and the warmth radiating from Jaemin's body. His head falls back on Jaemin's shoulder with a deep sigh, a small smile curling on his lips.

"I'm going to miss you."

"I know," Jaemin softens up and hugs him close with an arm wrapped around his waist securely. He presses a quick kiss on top of his head, ruffling his hair right after with a wide smile. "I'll miss you too. If you and Jeno ever get back together, don't forget me." Renjun shakes his head with a laugh, snuggling close to his side.

"I won't, I promise."

-

Just when Renjun has slowly started to slip through the idea of not meeting Jeno ever again, fate hurriedly twisted their interactions and made them cross paths again.

The next time they meet, Jeno coincidentally stumbles into the same park where Renjun and him had their first date — them sneaking out in the middle of the night in their hoodies, laughing and blushing because of the sweet first kiss they've shared.

That night was the last day of summer before they head back to school as juniors. Jeno had impulsively dragged him out and told him that he looks absolutely breathtaking under the moonlight and it would be a pleasure to be able to love Renjun with every piece of his soul. That night, his heart ached but not because of any hurt running through veins. His heart simply ached because he was bursting with happiness because the thought of Lee Jeno, one of the sweetest boys that he has ever met in his entire lifetime, falling in love with him is enough to spark a lifetime of blissfulness.

Who knew that years later, they would meet again but with their heart broken by each other?

If Renjun is being honest, he's been actively avoiding this park. It doesn't matter that there's a bench where the moonlight paints the pathway in such an ethereal glow that can steal anyone's breath away from their lungs. It doesn't matter that the night scenery is bound to cause a spark and help him find his longtime muse.

It has too many memories that Renjun can't find a way not to remember them the moment the sole of his shoe hits the grass. He can't even spare a glance at the bench right by the tree — he doesn't want to remember the way Jeno delicately held him against his body and pulled him in a captivating first kiss, telling him how much he likes him over and over again. It hurts to remember things that you'd rather choose to forget.

But he's here, sitting on the exact same bench with his legs crossed and his sketchbook dropped on his lap. He's restless for a few days lately and all of his thoughts seem to stem from one person only. Even the sound of his name causes his heart to throw itself against his ribcage, breaking itself into pieces all over again. He shouldn't be thinking of Jeno. He shouldn't be thinking about in any way possible.

"Idiot." Renjun mumbles to himself, dropping the charcoal pencil into his case before the sketchbook gets slammed shut. He leans properly against the bench and the cold night air wraps him up in a tight embrace, cold enough to make his teeth chatter. He wraps his arms around his own tiny frame, shielding himself from the frost but it's not enough. He hastily slips the scarf around his neck, enjoying the added warmth.

Renjun finally lets himself drink in the stunning sight of the park. The heavenly glow from the moon easily floods the pathway, sending a burst of starlight across the concrete trail. There are people still roaming around the park but they're all too far away for Renjun to take notice of them. He's too focused on the relaxing atmosphere and the path right in front of him that he fails to notice anything else.

"Hey," Renjun freezes up in his seat, casting his glance over to the intruder. Jeno is standing there with a flustered look crossing his features — despite the cold surrounding them, his cheeks are tinted with red as the embarrassment course itself through his body. It's a rather endearing sight and he adores the sweet innocence that Jeno carries around him, even after years later.

"Hey," Renjun finds himself loosening up with a smile, scooting over to the side to make enough space before he gently pats it. Jeno shoots him a grateful smile as he plops right down on the designated spot, his expression easily changing into something that resembles serenity.

They both fall in a comfortable kind of silence — exactly the kind of silence that drapes over them when they were still a couple. It's enough for Renjun to trick his mind into thinking that they're okay, that they never broke up in the first place and that they're _happy_.

But when Jeno parts his lips, the reality comes crashing back in and pulling Renjun right out of his thoughts.

"I never thought I would see you here again." Jeno keeps his gaze right at the path, refusing to meet Renjun’s eyes for some reason. Renjun straightens his back unknowingly and he clears his throat quietly, deciding if he should drop his legs on the ground. But at the last moment, he keeps his current position, sitting cross-legged whilst he toys with the strand that is hanging from his sweater.

"It's actually my first time coming here after..." _The breakup_ , "But it looks like the place hasn't changed at all."

"Still looks beautiful just like before, isn't it?" Jeno quirks his lips up into a smile, the starlight catching in his eyes and for a moment, his dark orbs light up and sparkle under the glow of the night. He looks otherworldly like this and god, Renjun would do anything just to freeze this moment between them. It almost seems too good to be true — them sitting on the same bench where they had their first kiss and silently reminiscing the past.

"Were you sketching?" Jeno inches closer and Renjun can feel his heart jump right out of his chest when the other male invades his personal space. His fingers still on the cover of the sketchbook, drawing in a deep breath as his cheeks color themselves in a light pink shade.

"I was," He lightly traces the edge with the pad of his finger, a sheepish smile gracing his mouth, "I needed to find a new muse and well, I've done more work today than in the previous week." He glances around the park with a softened smile, his eyes unusually bright. "I think being in this park late at night sparks a beautiful memory and I remember our—"

He breaks off, suddenly aware that he's talking too much. He's talking about the past and his throat closes up at the realization slamming down on him. His fingers lightly drum against the sketchbook, ready to spill an apology from his lips when Jeno softly speaks up.

"Our first kiss?" His heart drops to his feet when he lets his gaze flick over to Jeno. The younger male is staring at him with scrutinizing eyes before a saddened smile tugs on the corners of his lips. Renjun feels something stuck in his throat and as much as he badly wants to look away, he's captivated by Jeno's intense gaze on him. It's as if there's a pull between them and Renjun almost gives in.

_Almost._

Renjun backs away and there's a flash of an unreadable emotion that passes through Jeno's dark orbs before it completely dissolves into nothingness. He finally tears his gaze away from him, casting his glance down on the ground, wishing it would open and swallow him wholely.

"I think about that a lot." Jeno breaks the silence, his voice soft and gentle. He leans against the bench with a sigh, slipping his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie to warm up his hands. Renjun is fleetingly reminded of the nights when Jeno and him would entwine their fingers together, a rather failed attempt to warm their hands up as they snuggle close. If the circumstances were completely different, he would have the done the same — reach out and intertwine their fingers like before.

"Really?" Renjun arches an inquisitive brow at him and Jeno's cheeks get flushed as he hangs his head low, biting on his lower lip to hold back the smile growing on his face.

"Yes, really." He adjusts his position, scooting dangerously close to Renjun's side and letting their arms brush lightly for a moment. Renjun can feel the rush of emotions through his chest, chasing down his veins — the adrenaline of being close like this. A dream come true, if he must say.

"I honestly don't remember my very first kiss with anyone else. But I do remember our first kiss," Jeno pauses and his face softens, his voice turning into a whisper, "And our last kiss."

His last words pique Renjun's interest. He doesn't remember their last kiss — he's sure that he didn't kiss him when they broke up because Renjun spun on his heel all too hastily and left Jeno in his own dorm without glancing back, not even once.

"Last kiss?" Renjun allows himself to steal a glance at Jeno and his heartbeat quickens when Jeno slips his fingers through the brown strands of his own hair, combing through them before his hand drops at his side. His lips are set in a firm line before a small smile tugs on his mouth, inclining his head to meet Renjun's eyes.

"It was around two weeks since we last saw each other properly that time. I was busy memorizing medical terms while you're constantly running around, hauling canvases around the university." Renjun can't help but crack a smile — he does remember his chaotic life in the university and he's sure that there hasn't been a day in that period wherein he wasn't caught in a streak of paint across his shirt or carrying paintings around different classes.

"I promised to pick you up after my classes ended but I came later than what I originally planned since I got caught up in presenting my project. I practically raced from my building to yours, quite literally out of breath since our buildings were too far away." Jeno emits a laugh and darts his eyes down, speaking in the same volume as he swings his legs back and forth.

"You were understandably upset so I carried your canvases instead while we walked back to the dorm. It was pouring that day and for some reason, you became really happy when you saw the rain. We raced each other to our dorm building and you were laughing until we reached the entrance — god, we were both soaked to the bone but we didn't care at all. While you were telling me how much fun that was, I just stared at you and felt the urge to kiss you."

Jeno pauses, his teeth catching onto his lower lip before he releases it, a soft sigh falling from his mouth. "And I did, I kissed you hard and desperately because I realized that I missed you so goddamn much. I missed you to the point that my heart ached because you looked so happy with me that day and I was so lucky that I got to bear witness to that kind of ethereal beauty."

Renjun can only stare at him, the tears clinging to his eyelashes. The memory is more of a blur but he did remember Jeno letting the canvases fall on the concrete flooring before he pulled him close for a kiss. He kissed him so desperately and Renjun's breath was stolen away in a single second. He did remember how truly happy he was — that maybe they weren't falling apart at all. That maybe they were just in a rough patch.

God, how did two weeks of not talking again made him change his mind?

"I can never forget that kiss." Jeno exhales deeply, the air leaving his lips comes out cold as he finally tears his gaze away from the ground, staring right back at the older boy with tears also brimming in his eyes. He lets out an empty laugh, hastily wiping away with a hand before pocketing it once again with a shaky sigh.

They stay silent, occasionally whimpering and holding back their tears. Renjun blinks rapidly, wiping the tears with the back of his hand before he allows himself to gaze at Jeno. The younger male tenses up slightly and their gazes lock for a moment, catching Renjun in a dazed state.

"Why did we fall apart?" Jeno shakes his head, voice drawing out as a shaky sigh. He sounds beyond broken, exactly the same when they broke up — head lowered with tears clinging to his lashes. Now that Renjun is thinking about it, he has only seen Jeno cry only a few times right before their dreadful breakup and even then, he pieces himself together in less than a few minutes, not wanting to break down again.

But when they broke up, Jeno was in a constant state of distress and sadness, his cheeks stained with tears always. Renjun hates himself for being the reason why Jeno cries himself to sleep at night. As much as he wants to lean forward and hold him close to his chest, kiss him senselessly like they always do, he can't.

He just can't.

Renjun feels himself inching closer until their sides are pressed against each other. He puts his feet down on the grass, their knees knocking against each other. Jeno doesn't pull away. Neither does Renjun.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened to us if we didn't break up?" Renjun whispers, barely able to raise his gaze to look at Jeno directly. He keeps his stare stuck on the ground, his legs lightly swinging whilst Jeno hums softly in reply, lips set in a thin line.

"I think of that often." Renjun continues speaking, eliciting a rather a humorless laugh before the sound fades away with the silence of the night. Jeno stares at him, an eyebrow arched as a stunned expression crosses his features. He keeps silent though, gently urging the other boy to continue talking and Renjun obediently obliges to the request.

"I want to lie and say that I was absolutely fine when we broke up," His feet skid into a stop, the soles of his shoes scraping against the concrete, furrowing his brows. "But I can't. I've been thinking about you a lot these days and I kept wondering how you were." He takes in a deep breath, eyes fluttering close as he listens to the fast pace of his heartbeat. "I wondered how we would be like if we held on instead of letting go."

"Who said I've already let go?" Jeno quirks one of the corners of his lips upwards before a frown graces his mouth again. "Renjun, why would you assume that I've already let go after everything that happened to us?"

Renjun spares him a glance and his heart aches all over again because Jeno is nowhere near to being playful — his voice is firm and every word that left his mouth is wrapped tightly with sincerity. The hurtful tone is buried underneath his question and Renjun has a difficult time swallowing the lump in his throat. Jeno is gazing at him with expectant eyes, lips turning into a grim line when he realizes that his question has only received silence as an answer.

Renjun parts his lips, the words flowing past them all too easily this time. "It's been so long."

"And?" Jeno whispers, the pain is more evident in his tone as he puts more pressure in his words. "We've been together for _years_ and we broke up out of nowhere. Why did you assume that I'll ever get over that?"

"Jeno, it's been years since we broke up. Of course, I would naturally think of that — you can't blame me for thinking of that, especially when you got into flings before we started dating!" As soon as the words spilled from his lips, his stomach churns uncomfortably. A sob is threatening to burst right out of his throat but he pushes it down. He pushes it down as hard as he could, burying it under every emotion that's begging to be released from his body.

Jeno doesn't reply but Renjun can clearly see the pain and sadness painted in his dark orbs. The stars within them have dimmed, drawing them into the darkness and erasing any more remnants of the brightly lit flame burning within Jeno's chest.

Why did he have to say that?

"I—"

"You've always been special to me, Jun." Jeno speaks, his voice strangled and controlled. The tears are clinging to his lashes again and he takes in a deep breath, harshly wiping them away before they even start to roll down the curve of his cheeks. "You, out of all the people, should know that."

The stillness of the night stretches between them and Renjun becomes painfully aware of every millisecond passing by. He's breathless, speechless and there's that heartache residing in his chest for far too long already. His fingers twitch and they beg to feel any warmth from the biting cold of the night air.

"We'll never work out, Jeno." He echoes his words from before in a form of a whisper, not braving himself to lift his eyes and meet Jeno's disappointed gaze right at him. His teeth sinks right onto his bottom lip, chewing on it so he wouldn't feel the urge to say anything, anything that could possibly ruin their already wrecked relationship further.

An empty laugh leaves Jeno's lips, raising his gaze to the star-drunk skies above them. He heaves a sigh afterwards, his shoulders slumping to show off his frustration and discouragement to the situation between them.

"Can't believe that you're breaking up with me all over again." One of the corners of his lips curl upwards to display a broken smile before he allows himself to spare a glance at Renjun. "And I can't believe that it still hurts like the first time."

Jeno plants his feet on the grass before slowly standing up. Renjun catches sight of the tears rolling down Jeno's cheeks but the latter is swift to wipe them away with the back of his hand, shaking his head abruptly. Renjun wants to reach out, apologize for saying such senseless things but when Jeno turns to him again with a stoic expression, the words are stolen right off the tip of his tongue.

Jeno parts his lips, ready to talk but he quickly bites his tongue, appearing like he's having second thoughts. His expression falls and Renjun is reminded of the same broken boy that he witnessed years ago — the sullen look crossing his features, the frown clinging on the edges of his lips and his eyes filled with an incredible amount of everlasting sadness.

"Goodbye, Renjun." There's a sense of finality in Jeno's voice; it's a punch straight into Renjun's cold chest. They both hesitate — Renjun with reaching out and talking about their feelings for each other and Jeno with leaving him behind — but in the end, the two of them step back. Jeno only pursues his lips in a straight line, turning on his heel before walking down the pathway. Renjun is left with staring at his back, a lump stuck right in his throat and his heart ever so slowly piercing itself and cracking into pieces.

The scene feels so familiar to him. He remembers being the one who mercilessly walked away without another word, his footsteps echoing in the night whilst Jeno quietly broke down into pieces right behind him. Now, the roles have reversed and god, Renjun's heart hurts so goddamn much. Everything holding up his soul together falls apart and he's left with an empty shell of his self.

He thinks he understands now why Jeno cried so much that night.

-

It's been two weeks since they've last seen each other and Renjun still feels the ache in his chest. He's supposed to be letting go of him already — Jeno and him had promptly broken up with each other all over again. He's exhausted of feeling his chest squeeze all the time whenever he passes by the same café where they've first met. But he can't find it in himself not to slip through the doors and sit at the same table where they first occupied.

The tip of his finger gently traces the pattern embedded on the wooden table, a sigh easily falling from his lips. The café is warm but Renjun keeps the scarf wrapped securely around his neck as he stares numbly at the table. His phone rings with a _ping!_ and effectively catching his attention in a quick snap. He snatches up his phone, scrolling through his messages until he sees the newest one sitting right on top.

 **Jaemin [16:09]:** _i'll be there in 10 mins!_

The corners of his lips quirk into a small smile, putting his phone away without shooting a reply. His fingers twitch due to the cold air slipping through the café every time the doors swing open as someone walks in. He hates how he keeps on expecting Jeno to walk through as soon as the small tinkling bell resounds within the place.

He doesn't want to think about him but it's difficult — there's always a lump his throat whenever he bears witness to something that reminds him of Jeno. He wants to burn all these memories and forget every little thing but every single one is carved right in his mind, rendering him into a sobbing mess.

He's determined not to let his thoughts get to him now. He's enervated from crying all the time and—

A stranger passes by him and Renjun stills, the scent smells familiar to him. It's just like Jeno's scent, the same cologne that he seems to love wearing a lot.

His throat closes up and tears cling to his lashes as the thoughts invade his mind. He grips the edge of the table and he tries to push down the urge to cry but he can't. He buries his face in his hands as the tears roll down his cheeks, staining them. He attempts to catch his breath but it's hard when he remembers the feeling of sinking in Jeno's arms, Jeno's warm smile directed at the him, and his scent.

His teeth sinks right down onto his bottom lip, muffling the cries falling from his mouth but he ends up failing. He breaks down, turning into a sobbing mess as he forces the erratic beating of his heart to slip into calmness. He's too focused on trying not to cry harder that he fails to hear the familiar tinkling bell echoing in the café, paired with the sound of boots hitting the wooden floor.

"Injun?" Jaemin quietly says and Renjun lets out a shaky exhale, hesitantly removing his hands from his face. He raises his gaze and Jaemin halts in his spot, his eyebrows furrowing together before his face scrunches up into an expression filled with concern.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jaemin continues to talk in a gentle voice and Renjun hastily shakes his head. He feels _pathetic_ for breaking down in the middle of the café, thinking of a boy whose heart he broke ages ago. He shouldn't be a mess but here he is, unable to control his shaky breathing and the tears rolling down the curves of his cheeks.

Jaemin reaches out to wipe away the tears with his thumbs and Renjun blinks at him, swallowing the lump in his throat. Jaemin appears to be so puzzled and worried that Renjun immediately senses the guilt building up along his veins. He shouldn't be sobbing like this — he feels idiotic for troubling his best friend like this.

"I'm sorry," Renjun heaves a deep sigh, hanging his head low. "I didn't mean for you to catch me crying like this." He elicits a humorless laugh, hoping to lighten up the atmosphere. Jaemin doesn't say anything in reply but anyone can see the way his brows knit together, lips pursued in a grim line.

Renjun is about to part his lips, an apology ready to escape his mouth when Jaemin extends his arms to loop them around his tinier frame, pulling him up for a tight embrace. Renjun almost stumbles but he willingly follows through, standing up and burying his face right on Jaemin's shoulder whilst sniffling. Jaemin never says anything else, just rubbing his back gently in hopes of comforting him properly. Renjun takes in a shaky breath and he pulls away, eyes still glistening with unshed tears.

"Did something happen?" Jaemin grabs hold of his shoulders, eyes wide with worry. Renjun gnaws on his lower lip, eyes falling shut for a moment to collect his cluttered thoughts before he opens them again with a deep frown.

"I miss him a lot, Nana." His voice is as quiet as whisper and Jaemin's expression morphs into a sorrowful and pitying look, leaning in to pull him back in his embrace. Renjun stays in his arms, letting himself melt and break apart all over again. Jaemin gently runs his fingers through his hair, pulling away to gaze at him with a saddened glance.

"You should talk to him."

"How?" Renjun mutters, voice a little rough and his tone coming out harsher than intended. He casts an apologetic glance at him before he lowers his head with a deep sigh. "I've been waiting for him in the same bench for two weeks now but he never came by. I don't have his number."

"He never changed his number though." Jaemin hesitates before his dark orbs stared back at Renjun, analyzing the expression passing through the older male's features. "Call him, okay?"

After two painful weeks, there's a spark of hope lighting up in Renjun's chest. He takes in a deep breath before slowly nodding his head, meeting Jaemin's contemplative gaze settled right on him.

"Okay."

-

There's a streak of blue fresh paint across the wall but Renjun can't find it in himself to cover it up. He stares at it numbly, lips pursued into a thin line and his chest feels incredibly heavy. Anxiety runs through his veins as he quietly sifts through every thought in his head, his phone laying at his nightstand.

The moonlight floods the room, lighting up the entire bedroom in an ethereal kind of glow. The night hangs over him heavily, the sound of the clock ticking by is getting under his skin — it reminds him of the time running out with every millisecond that travels through.

He takes in a deep breath, his fingers wrapped around his phone. With every number he punches in, his nerves hit the roof more and more until he's practically bursting due to the wild fluttering of the butterflies in his stomach. His phone rings loudly in the rather silent place and he finds himself breathless when a familiar, sweet voice pulls through.

"Hello?" Jeno's quiet and rough voice rings through and Renjun's eyes fall shut, biting back a whimper. His voice brings a wave of sadness, colliding in his bones and drowning him in a senseless kind of dream. The words are hastily stolen right off his tongue and he finds it distressing that he can't find the source of his voice.

"Who is this?"

"Jeno," Renjun cuts in, his toes curling against the floor and his stomach churning. "It's me."

It's completely quiet at the other line and Renjun fears that Jeno has dropped the call. Just when he's about to check if the call is still going on, Jeno talks again with a voice barely above a shaky whisper.

"Renjun?" Jeno questions, his tone is dripping with disbelief. Renjun nods his head even if Jeno can't see him over at the other line. The stillness stretches between them once again, rendering both of them speechless as they mull over the conversation happening.

"Oh," He clears his throat and there's the sound of papers shuffling before he hears a chair being rolled around. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing." Jeno suddenly sounds so calm and collected, unlike the same boy that Renjun knew years ago. It's as if he's doing wonderful and Renjun seems to be the only one who's deeply affected by what's happening to the both of them.

He speaks again, his tone is strangely filled with worry and affection. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Renjun falters, his head reeling with so many thoughts. Is he doing the right thing? Should he just drop the call and pretend that nothing ever happened to him? He's been doing that for years so he doesn't understand why in the world would he feel like this all of a sudden.

"I did something stupid."

"What is it?" Renjun quirks his lips into a small, sad smile before he heaves a deep sigh.

"I broke down in the café today because I remembered you."

The silence echoes in every corner of the four walled room and Renjun nervously gnaws on his bottom lip. His heart is pounding right out of his chest and the sound is so loud that it almost drowns out the quietness. When Jeno doesn't reply, he pushes more, talking mindlessly just to break through the disturbing silence stretching between them.

"Remember when we were back in high school and how easy it was for me to cry?" The corners of his lips turn down into a frown, his heart dropping right to his feet as he gazes at the wooden floor with his lower lip wobbling slightly. "I've always thought that I finally got rid of that stupid habit of bursting into tears randomly but apparently, I haven't." An empty laugh draws itself past his lips and he emits a shaky sigh.

"I bet you miss me and my idiotic, sensitive self, don't you?" Sarcasm drips from the edge of his voice, forcing himself to try and keep his tone light and carefree. As if he wasn't sobbing and shaking just a moment ago.

The only sound that leaves Jeno's lips is a deep sigh and Renjun pursues his lips in a thin line. Did he step out of line? Did he say something wrong? He did, didn't he? Maybe he shouldn't have called — this might have been a mistake right from the start. He's about to apologize all over again when Jeno quietly cuts in, his voice is filled with nothing but sadness.

"I do."

Renjun freezes up and his mind rewires, every word known to him has left the tip of his tongue. There's that squeeze in his chest and he wants to say something, anything but it hurts so much. He does feel that Jeno misses him but to hear those words spill from his lips, every letter and syllable wrapped in regret and sorrow sends his heart into a wrecked mess.

He tries to inhale deeply, calm down the storm raging in his chest and ruining his heart into cracks but he can't. All he can feel is the rush of emotions through his veins, making his head spin all too fast. He wants to say every little thing that he's been dying to say but the moment he parts his lips, a cry is threatening to break through his throat.

"I miss you, I do." The words fall from Jeno's lips but they sound strangled, as if he's desperately trying to get them past the tip of his tongue. He takes a deep breath and Renjun can almost imagine him shutting his eyes close to try and collect his thoughts swirling in his head. But when Jeno speaks again, Renjun's world breaks apart once more.

"But we can't keep doing this anymore."

A hush blankets over their conversation and Renjun finally finds his voice a moment later. But even then, he sounds forlorn, the edges of his tone scrapping and falling apart.

"What?"

"I— we— we need to stop," The frustration is seeping through Jeno's voice, clearly growing more and more exhausted as his voice drones, "Whatever the fuck this is."

"Jeno, please. I miss you."

"You don't." Jeno has never sounded so firm and clear, his voice crisp and loud before he momentarily falters with a sigh. "You don't, okay? You miss _us_ before we broke up. You don't miss me."

"No, listen, I—"

"No, Renjun, _you_ listen to me for once." Jeno struggles to not to burst into tears again, based on the constant wavering and shaking of his steady voice. He inhales deeply before letting out a long sigh, the silence taking over for a second.

"You were right, okay? You were right about us not working out. We'll never make it together," Jeno wavers and a stutter almost leaves his lips but he manages to keep himself together at the last second.

"We didn't work out when we were still in university, when I was busy studying and you were busying with art. We didn't work out years ago so why made you think that we'll get through this just fine, Jun?"

Renjun ignores the way Jeno slips at the nickname that he unknowingly used to say, his heart wrecking itself against his rib cage. His fingers twitch before his nails dig onto his skin, leaving crescent-like marks on it.

"Are we... really just ending it like this?" He takes the risk of asking that question out loud. He knows that he can break his own heart the moment those words left him but he can't find in himself to take them back.

"I—" Jeno pauses, his voice as soft as a whisper. He sounds confused and Renjun understands the feeling all too well — the feeling of indecisiveness and being torn apart, not knowing which one is the right choice.

"I don't know." There's faint shouting over at Jeno's line and he hears Jeno's muffled reply before his crisp voice comes through, sounding enervated and exhausted to the brim. "I think we both deserve to have some space and think about this. If we really want this."

Renjun swallows and nods his head solemnly, teeth sinking onto his plush bottom lip. "Okay."

"Okay." Jeno is clearly hesitating to put down the phone, even if he's still on his shift. Renjun elicits a sigh and one of the corners of his lips lift upwards to show a half smile.

"I'll talk to you soon?" He can hear the sigh escape Jeno's lips and his voice turns soft, gentle, like the very first time he told Renjun that he likes him. The same kind of tone that makes Renjun's chest squeeze too tightly.

"Okay, goodbye." Renjun takes a minute before he braves himself to reply, his voice as soft as his.

"Bye." As the line drops, Renjun can feel his chest grow lighter. Hope may be a dangerous emotion but right now, he's grasping onto it rather tightly. It might be the only thing that can keep him going on.

He stares once more at the streak of paint across the wall, already dried out and stuck right at the concrete. He finds himself standing and grabbing his canvas with his easel, the paintbrush easily snatched up from his desk. He steals another glance at the moonlit sky right outside his window before he turns to the canvas, his heart squeezing.

He doesn't know what to do but he'll hold on for as long as Jeno wants him to.

-

The rush of people in the airport has always made him uncomfortable. There's something about airports — the way the tearful goodbyes shared between people, the feeling of nervousness settling in your stomach as you take your seat in a metal tube that launches you in a thousand miles in the air — that makes Renjun's stomach churn. He would never find a reason to hang around here, if it wasn't for the fact that his best friend is leaving for today.

When Jaemin brought up the fact that he's leaving a week before Sicheng and Yuta's wedding, that date seemed almost far away that Renjun almost forgot about it. But right now, as he stands on the linoleum floor and gazing at the people rushing past him to get to their flights, it seems all too real for him to dismiss it as a dream.

"Can't believe today is the day." Renjun heaves a deep sigh, gazing at the way the sunlight streams through the window as they pass by it to head over to the boarding flight. Jaemin hauls his suitcase right behind him, dragging it rather carelessly that the luggage almost hits a few people on the way. Renjun discreetly walks slower, making sure that the suitcase doesn't accidentally hit anyone else.

"Me too," A deep frown creases at the edges of Jaemin's mouth, glancing briefly at the clock hanging nearby. It's only twenty more minutes before he boards the plane so he settles right beside the entrance, pulling his suitcase right by his hip.

"This is it." Renjun frowns at the rows of planes right by the runway, his heart aching at the thought of his best friend getting inside one of those horrific metal tubes. Jaemin follows his gaze with a weary smile gracing his mouth, eyes glistening with tears.

"Yeah, this is it." He turns to Renjun and holds out his free arm, gesturing for the older boy to come closer. Renjun obliges, stepping in his embrace and allows Jaemin to wrap an arm around his shoulder to pull him against his chest. They stay like that for a while — Jaemin's chin placed on top of his head whilst Renjun comfortably lays his head against his shoulder before the announcement rolls in, asking the passengers to start boarding.

"I'll miss you." Jaemin sniffles, the tears already forming. A stray tear rolls down his cheek and Renjun gently wipes it away with the sleeve of his sweater, flashing a saddened smile at him.

"Take care, okay?" Renjun pats his cheek affectionately, forcing a smile to draw itself across his lips so Jaemin wouldn't get distressed. "Make sure to stay out of trouble."

"Technically, that's my job — getting people out of trouble." Jaemin jokes, his tone light and carefree, just like it always does. It makes this entire thing a little more bearable — he doesn't know how he'll be able to keep it together and handle it the moment Jaemin breaks into tears. It's already hard for him to let him go, he can't imagine how horrible he'll feel once Jaemin leaves with teary eyes.

"I love you, okay? I'll call you once I get there."

"God, you're so sappy." Renjun playfully punches his shoulder before he manages to grin widely at his direction, his eyes crinkling. "I'll really miss you though."

"I know." Another announcement echoes right above them and Jaemin heaves a deep sigh, glancing at Renjun with his starry eyes turning dim with sadness. Renjun flashes him an encouraging smile, gently patting his arm and directs him right at the entrance. Jaemin pauses for a moment, as if recollecting his thoughts before he raises a hand, giving the older male a small wave. He manages to raise the corners of his lips into a sweet smile before he turns right on his heel, dragging his suitcase right behind him.

Renjun patiently waits, watching Jaemin slip through and eyeing him as he slowly rolls his luggage in the direction of the his plane. He heaves a deep sigh once Jaemin has become a small speck, surrounded by other people as they all rush over to the same flight that his best friend is taking. He turns on his heel and walks straight to the exit, his head spinning as he tries to get past the people running around, trying to catch their flight at the very last second.

A _ping!_ coming from his phone catches his attention. He stops in a less crowded place in the airport, taking his phone right out of his pocket. He unlocks it, scrolling his messages and he arches an eyebrow when he sees his boss' name written right at the top. He hurriedly opens up the conversation, seeing a thread of messages pop out on the screen.

 **Jaehyun [09:18]:** _Remember that our art exhibition is opening at March 28, 10_ _A.M_ _._  
**Jaehyun [09:20]:** _Your painting is fantastic, by the way. The perfect addition to our exhibition._  
**Jaehyun [** ** **09:**** ** ** **21]:****** _I'm proud of you, Renjun. Keep up the good work._

Renjun feels the pride blossoming in his chest, his cheeks painted with red tint. He's clearly elated that his painting is finally perfected and it seemed to have impressed Jaehyun a lot, seeing how he brought it up in their conversation.

But the feeling quickly fades away as Renjun stares wistfully at his screen, quietly pulling Jeno's contact details on it. He wants to hit the call button and tell him about the good news he received but he stops himself just in time before the pad of his thumb brushes against the spot on the screen. His eyes fall shut as he takes in a deep breath, clearing his head before they gently flutter open. He takes in his surroundings, indulging himself in the peace buried deep within his ribcage before he slips the device back in his pocket.

All he hopes is that he'll be okay — that Jeno and him will be all right.

-

"You're really not going with a date tonight?" Sicheng's voice crackles through the other line, his tone dripping with poorly concealed disappointment. Renjun stands before his mirror, carefully looping his tie and secures it in a comfortable hold before he finds himself smiling slightly back at his reflection.

"Jaem was supposed to be my plus one," Renjun balances his phone between his shoulder and pressing it against his ear, running his fingers through his hair with a frown. He fixes the brown strands of his hair until he's satisfied with his look, sweeping his fringe to the side. "But he had to leave for New York."

"Right, it makes me sad that he wouldn't be able to attend the wedding." Sicheng can't seem to erase the disappointment in his tone so Renjun tries to keep his own voice light and carefree, hopefully trying to steer the conversation to somewhere else that doesn't make his older brother upset.

"He did say that he's dropping a gift for your wedding so don't worry." Renjun emits a lighthearted laugh, shaking his head as he finally lets his fingers circle around his phone. Sicheng manages to imitate him, letting out a chuckle of his own before Renjun hears the sound of murmured conversation and something being dropped to the floor in the background.

"Make sure that you'll get us a nice gift too!" Another voice abruptly cuts in their conversation and Renjun almost drops his phone, startled at the sudden intrusion. He furrows his eyebrows for a moment before he emits a light laugh, recognizing Yuta's playful voice on the other line.

"Of course, anything for you two." Renjun steals a glance at the canvas that's covered with wrapping paper with a light blue ribbon tied around it expertly. Jaemin's gift is kept in a wide box and Renjun didn't manage to steal a glance inside it because he doesn't want to ruin the wrapping paper that's meticulously covering the container.

"Great, are you sure that you don't want to come with Chenle and Jisung?" Sicheng's worry-filled tone comes through and Renjun rolls his eyes with a grin tugging right on the edges of his lips. He steps away from the mirror, plopping right down on the bed and slipping easily into his black shoes with a sigh.

"I don't want disrupt their _date_."

"They're dating?" Yuta questions, barely able to erase the obvious surprise embedded in his voice. Renjun can't hold back the laugh that bubbles from his lips, the sound escaping his mouth easily.

"You didn't know?" Sicheng shoots back, his voice teasing and he can hear Yuta huffing loudly in protest, making up an excuse that sounds like _we barely get to see them! How am I supposed to know!_

"Relax, they're best friends." Renjun cuts in, his voice is smooth but the mischief wraps itself around every syllable that leaves his lips. "Oblivious best friends who have feelings for each other, that is."

"That's shocking. I never expected that." Sicheng keeps his monotonous voice and he ends up letting out a laugh with a mumbled reply coming from Yuta. There's the sound of footsteps fading away before Sicheng speaks again, his voice turning gentle and quiet.

"I guess I'll see you at the wedding then?" Renjun pursues his lips into a thin line, heaving a sigh as he stares at the gifts seated comfortably at the edge of the bed. He gently pushes them aside, careful not to let them slip onto the floor before he replies with a low voice.

"Of course."

-

Renjun gazes up at the elegant decorations of the reception area. White fabrics drapes along the ceiling with simple greenery garlands strung along, the lamps that are lit up are carefully hanging from it. Long, white tables are set meticulously around the area to give enough space for the guests to mingle around and slip through as they exchange small talk.

Renjun fidgets uncomfortably, suddenly aware of the tailored suit sticking to his skin as he eyes the fairy lights strung upwards, giving the place a delicate and heavenly kind of glow. He's sure that Sicheng is the one who suggested that, seeing how his older brother seems to have an infinity's worth of adoration for fairy lights, even if he did try to deny that way before. The entire place was divine and it took Renjun's breath away the moment he stepped inside of the venue.

"You're here!" Chenle nearly screams, clearly excited as he throws himself in Renjun's arms. The older, smaller male lets out a strangled yelp, struggling to keep themselves upright before Jisung sweeps in to tug on both of them and keep standing on their feet.

"Thank you." Renjun scrunches up his expression, his nose wrinkling as Chenle clings right onto his torso. Jisung only manages to curve the edges of his mouth into a sweet smile.

"No worries, I know Lele hyung can be heavy at times—"

"Hey!"

"I was only kidding!" Jisung quickly holds out his hands, admitting defeat all too easily. That seems to be enough for Chenle since he manages to pull on a smug smile before turning to Renjun with the widest grin, his starry eyes bright with happiness.

"We've been looking everywhere for you!" Chenle finally unlatches himself from Renjun's arms, bouncing on his heels with the widest smile drawn on his lips. Renjun winces, craning his neck before he rolls his eyes right at his cousin with the corners of his mouth twitching into a grin.

"We saw each other last week, when I dropped my painting off for the exhibition."

"Oh, That reminds me!" Chenle flashes a bright smile at him, his eyes crinkling as he wraps an arm around Renjun's shoulder. "Our boss said that he loved your painting a lot. I only got a glimpse of it but it really did look amazing!"

Renjun can feel the heat rise to his cheeks and he finally allows a smile to curl right on his lips, clearly embarrassed yet elated at the sudden compliment. He tears his gaze away from them, letting his line of sight settle on the front so he doesn't have to face Chenle and Jisung's cheeky smiles directed at him.

"Thanks," He grumbles when he realizes the blush hasn't faded from his cheeks, subtly rubbing on them with his hands. "That's really sweet of you guys."

"Hey, I hate to break this cute family reunion but can I steal Lele first?" Jisung cuts in with a sheepish smile, subtly sliding an arm around the older boy's waist and pulling him close to his side. Chenle seems flustered, based on the red tint coloring the curve of his cheeks and his failed attempt to sink his teeth unto his bottom lip to stop himself from smiling so widely. Renjun's eyes flicker back to them, a mischievous smile painted across his lips with an amused eyebrow raised as he waves a hand at them dismissively.

"It's fine, you guys have fun!" Jisung beams brightly at him, thanking him before he hastily drags Chenle in the direction of the dance floor. As they move away, Renjun can see the bright smiles that are mirrored on both of their expression, their starry eyes lighting up in delight.

For a second, Renjun can feel that ache running through his veins, watching couples take their place in the dance floor, moving along to the beat of an upbeat song. He's reminded of his high school dance — the way Jeno eagerly pulled him up from his seat and danced with him, his head tipped back with laughter spilling from his lips. He misses him like that — the endless happiness drawn all over his features, the laughter always falling from his lips without any care in the world.

He misses Jeno all over again.

"Jun!" He's knocked out breathless when Sicheng spots him, immediately running over to him and engulfing him in a tight embrace. Renjun lets out a weak laugh, throwing a light punch on his older brother's shoulder before he allows the words _I can't breathe_ slip past his lips. Sicheng finally pulls away with an apologetic grin, patting his cheek in a rather surprising affectionate manner before he wraps his arm around the younger male's shoulder comfortably.

"Sorry, I just missed you a lot."

"You did?"

"Oh, trust me, he did." Yuta strolls in with a cheeky grin, holding a glass of champagne in his hand before he takes a sip from it. Sicheng tries to throw a stern glare at him but Yuta waves him away with a devilish smirk painted across his mouth. "Sicheng looked like he was about to burst into tears when you ran in late for the wedding."

"Aw, really?" Renjun coos at his older brother, trying to teasingly reach out and pat his cheek but Sicheng dodges his touch easily, pretending to scowl hard in response.

"Shut up." Sicheng grumbles before he jabs a finger right at Yuta's chest, huffing loudly. "You promised that you wouldn't talk about that!"

"Oh, please, if it wasn't me who's going to tell that story, I'm sure that Chenle would tell it in a heartbeat instead." Yuta emits a lighthearted laugh, grabbing Sicheng's hand before he brings it to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss right on his knuckles. Even if Sicheng rolled his eyes at him, the pink tint is still quite visible on his cheeks to show off his true feelings.

"You two are disgustingly sweet," Renjun beams brightly, his arm slithering around Sicheng's waist to give him a sideways embrace. "But hey, congratulations. I'm really happy for you."

"I don't know whether I should feel offended that you called us disgusting or if I should feel happy that you're around to congratulate us." Yuta scrunches up his nose whilst Renjun elicits a fit of chuckles, finally breaking away from Sicheng's embrace before he glances around the venue again, admiring the lights twinkling from above.

"I'd hate to break this meeting short but my mom is calling for me right now." Yuta steals a glance at one of the tables before he leans over to leave a kiss at the side of Sicheng's head. "I'll let you guys catch up." With another charming smile, he walks away and straight to the table where his family is sitting at with a bounce in his steps.

"Come on," Sicheng calls over a waiter passing by and plucks off a flute of champagne from the tray, passing the beverage to the younger male. "Tell me everything that happened to you."

Renjun clumsily grabs it, almost spilling it on his jacket if it wasn't for his sturdy grip, peering right into the alcoholic drink before he takes a tentative sip. It's strangely refreshing so Renjun takes another sip, leaning against his brother's side and watching the rest of the people crowd themselves in the dance floor. The silence stretches between them — Sicheng patiently waiting whilst occasionally sipping from his own drink and Renjun staring down the beverage with a soft sigh slipping past his lips.

"Good news or bad news?" Sicheng knits his brows slightly, the worry painting itself on his features. Renjun pretends he doesn't notice the glance that Sicheng stole at him.

"Good news." Renjun quirks his lips into a smile, sipping from his champagne and letting the alcohol buzz through his skin before he speaks, his voice light and carefree.

"We're having an art exhibition on the 28th and Jaehyun, my boss, got my newest painting as one of the newest feature in the gallery."

"Holy shit, are you serious? That's amazing!" Sicheng quickly pulls him in another sideways hug and Renjun can't help but burst into a fit of laughter, his chest feeling rather lighter than ever. "I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks." He gazes down at the floor, his smile faltering as a frown begins to tug on the edges of his mouth. He gently swirls the champagne in his glass, moving the alcohol around in the container before he takes another sip. The refreshing burn is making him lightheaded but he welcomes the feeling, desperate for any chance to get rid of the stress seeping through his veins. The music echoes all around and it drowns out the silence that resonates in their conversation for a moment, watching everyone mingle and talk about everything and nothing at the same time.

"The bad news?" Renjun visibly tenses, his eyes fluttering shut tightly with lips pursued into a straight line. His chest grows heavy once more and his heart wrecks itself against his ribcage, breaking itself into a million pieces carelessly.

"I met Jeno again." This time, it's Sicheng whose shoulders grow tense as his eyes widen in surprise. He stares down at his brother, his features slowly growing soft as he gently squeezes Renjun's frame with his arm wrapped around his shoulder. Renjun takes in a deep breath, ignoring the erratic beating of his heart beneath the confines of his chest as he scruffs his shoes against the floor.

"He was doing wonderful, you know? He's finally a doctor and even if he looks exhausted, he seems... happy." Renjun swallows the rough lump in his throat, his fingers twitching just the slightest, showing off his nervousness. "But ever since we started talking again, he looked both enervated and upset all over again. I feel like it's my fault."

"Why?" Sicheng quietly asks and Renjun feels one of the corners of his lips curl upwards to form a saddened half smile. He blinks hastily, clearing away his blurry vision as he downs the rest of champagne, craving for the rush of alcohol through his body again. His toes curl uncomfortably in his shoes as he elicits a deep sigh, meeting Sicheng's gaze at him before he draws his attention back to the crowd.

"I guess us meeting again is a mistake." Renjun takes in a shaky sigh, teeth sinking right unto his bottom lip, "I made a mess right out of our feelings and I ruined us all over again."

The quietness is louder than the song playing in the speakers. It resounds between them all too loudly that Renjun just can't simply dismiss it as nothing — it claws right at the bottom of his stomach and climbing right up to his throat. He's speechless and he can no longer find his voice as of the moment.

"What do you feel for him?" Sicheng prods gently, schooling his features into an apprehensive look, showing off the worry that's glistening in his dark orbs. Renjun gently puts down the empty flute of champagne on a nearby table before his gaze settles on his feet again with a small smile pulled on his lips.

"I'm still in love with him," Renjun tugs his lips into a thin line before he forces a smile to linger on his mouth. But no matter how wide he tries to tug the edges of his lips to form a smile, it never seems to quite reach his eyes. "It doesn't matter now. We're really over."

"Are you sure?" There's a faraway glint in Sicheng's eyes and Renjun slowly nods his head with a frown easily curling on his lips. Sicheng doesn't reply; his gaze only flickers over to one of the tables before his dark orbs lighten up with wonder and surprise. Renjun follows his line of sight, passing each table of slightly familiar faces until it lands on the table near the back.

His breath hitches when he sees Donghyuck and Mark sharing a laugh, snuggled right next to each other. He never knew that he would see the two of them again — after everything that happened, both of them slowly grew apart from him and Renjun quietly accepted their fate of ending their relationship like this. He can't blame them though, they were Jeno's closest friends and of course, it makes sense that they'll naturally drift together.

_But if Donghyuck and Mark are here then that means that—_

His throat closes up and suddenly, he feels every breath in his lungs gets stolen all too easily. His fingers twitch at his side and he can feel the tears already starting to cloud his vision, his dark orbs on their way to glistening with unshed tears. He can feel Sicheng trying to run a comforting hand right down his back but he can't feel anything, can't hear anything when his gaze lands on him.

Jeno stands near the table with a bright smile playing on his lips, his hair dyed to jet black and styled the usual. He gently puts down his glass of alcohol on the table before he runs a hand through his strands, moving his fringe right to the side before he animatedly starts up a conversation with his two friends. He gestures to the center of the dance floor, eliciting a laugh before he moves in the direction of it, leaving his two friends behind. He looks amazing, dashingly handsome that Renjun can't find it in himself to tear his gaze away from him.

"I think Yuta invited them," Sicheng looks strangely apologetic, his eyes wide as his stare flickers from Renjun to the three boys sitting right at the table. "He already adored Donghyuck and Mark since the two were still in university so I think he got excited over inviting them."

"I'm sorry. If I knew that—"

"No, no! Don't apologize." Renjun shakes his head abruptly, cutting Sicheng off. He lets out a deep, shaky exhale before he braves himself to tug on a smile on his lips, putting up a confident front for his older brother — he doesn't want him to worry about anything else, especially since it's his wedding day.

"Maybe I'll talk to them."

"You sure?" Renjun waves his hand in a dismissive manner, flashing a reassuring smile right at his brother before he gently pats his shoulder, hoping to ease away some of his worries.

"I'll be fine." Renjun snatches up another flute of champagne from one of the waiters passing by him, taking another brave sip as he walks in the direction of the table. His heart pounding in his chest drowns out every other noise resonating within the venue, focusing on not losing his composure and backing out from his goal at the last second. The music has become more and more muffled the closer he gets to the table and soon, he hears the conversation exchanged between Donghyuck and Mark, the laughter hidden in their voices.

"I can't believe that happened. I—" Donghyuck breaks the rest of sentence off, his eyes widening comically as his gaze lands on Renjun. The silence trails off awkwardly as Mark turns his body, his mouth agape as he stares at Renjun in surprise. A hush easily falls over the three of them and Renjun badly wants to bolt away, escape their stares but something is yelling at him to push through with this. To stay and talk once again.

"Injun," Donghyuck murmurs, catching his slip of tongue as the blush colors itself on his cheeks. He coughs and clears his throat, his expression turning stoic as his voice turns monotonous. "Renjun."

"Hey," Renjun nervously tugs on the ends of his jacket, his nerves hitting the roof. He wants to say something, anything at all but he seems rather tongue-tied and he can no longer find the words that he's been dying to say to them.

Both Donghyuck and Mark exchange fleeting glances before Mark's expression entirely softens as he stands up from his seat. Donghyuck seems to hesitate before he obliges, standing from his own chair and approaching Renjun in long strides quite easily. Renjun's heart skyrockets right out of his chest, his ribcage breaking apart into pieces due to the pressure building up in his body.

"Injun." This time, Mark flashes a sweet smile right at him — the same kind of smile curled right on the corners of his lips whenever he sees Renjun. There's something stuck in Renjun's throat and no matter how hard he tries to push it down, it remains there motionlessly. There's always that dreadful feeling pooling in his stomach, his eyes flickering from Mark and Donghyuck.

"I— uh— I'm sorry." He heaves a deep sigh, lowering his head and fiddling at his tie. He can't even lift his gaze and meet their inquisitive gazes — he's so afraid of what kind of reaction he'll gauge out from them.

"For everything, you know? For suddenly cutting you both off and for breaking your best friend's heart like that." Renjun shifts from one foot to another, taking in a deep breath as he raises his eyes, finally letting himself meet their stares. "I still regret doing that until to this day and honestly speaking, Nana and I miss hanging around with you guys. I feel awful for breaking up our group like that and making you choose sides—"

"Renjun." Donghyuck's voice cuts through his words and Renjun immediately pursue his lips into a thin line, falling silent as he blinks rapidly right at them. His heart still beats erratically and it's getting much harder to ignore it the more he listens to it. Donghyuck's expression has softened already and he steps forward, closing the distance between them and pocketing his hands in his pants. He exchanges glances with Mark and for a second, there's a smile that tugs on one corner of Donghyuck's lips before he faces Renjun with a hum.

"Do you mean that? Your apology?"

"Of course," Renjun's voice falters, his voice dipping into a whisper with a small frown curled on his lips. "Of course, I mean it. Every word of it."

"Good." Donghyuck finally allows his lips to twitch into a wide smile, his eyes crinkling. He tilts his head to the side and his gaze seemingly flickers to somewhere behind Renjun before his  line of vision settles back on him. "We'll forgive you. On one condition."

"What?" There's the sound of footsteps right behind Renjun but he ignores it, focusing only on Donghyuck's words. Donghyuck stares right behind him again before a sigh draws itself past his lips, a solemn look on his expression.

"Don't hurt our Jeno anymore," He pauses before he tilts his head right at the direction behind Renjun, a small, encouraging smile gracing his mouth. "And I think you two have something to sort out and talk about."

There's a knowing glint in Mark and Donghyuck’s eyes and the realization dawns on Renjun as everything clicks into place. He senses a familiar presence right behind him, his breath hitching as he turns on his heel, his heart getting caught right at his throat. Jeno stares back at him uneasily, an eyebrow arching as he keeps his hands in his pockets. Renjun nervously gazes back at him, the anxiety is back to seep through his veins and make him incredibly lightheaded once again.

"Can we talk?" Jeno quietly asks, his usual starry eyes are dimmer tonight. He seems rather nervous too, by the way he keeps on tapping on the floor impatiently and his fingers twitching just the slightest.

Renjun glances right down at his forgotten drink in his hand before he gently putting right down on the table, nodding his head. That seems to have gotten rid some of Jeno's tension, seeing how his shoulders slowly loosened up as he holds out a hand. Renjun dumbly stares at it, eyes flicking from Jeno to his palm before he gathers the burst of courage in his chest, letting his fingers slip through the empty spaces of his hand. Jeno finally allows a smile to form on his lips, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze, just like he always does before. It's as if it's out of habit.

"Come on."

-

Renjun trudges through the cold air, teeth slightly chattering as he wraps his jacket tighter around his frame. Jeno must have noticed how freezing he was, seeing how he stepped close to his side and wrapped an arm around his body. Renjun tenses up at his touch before he lets himself relax, leaning against Jeno in search for some warmth radiating off his body.

There's an abandoned playground right near the venue of the reception as Jeno silently leads the both of them to it, hoping to get away from all the drowning noise back in the party and settle in the quiet. Somehow, being out here at night, Renjun’s nerves seem to have hit the sky compared to being inside the venue because right now, he can't find anything to distract himself. He's forced to let all the thoughts of him swirl around his head, his senses on overdrive because of Jeno's warmth, Jeno's scent, and _Jeno, Jeno, Jeno._

They've finally arrived right at the swing set and Renjun finally pulls away from him, wrapping his own arms around his frame to keep himself warm. Renjun wordlessly takes one of the swings, letting himself get comfortable on the rather small seat whilst Jeno follows suit, plopping on the swing next to his. They fall silent, admiring the stars dotting the night sky — constellations lined themselves up in the darkness and it's breathtaking, enthralling. Renjun would spend an eternity admiring all this celestial beauty if given the choice.

"How are you?" Renjun breaks away from his thoughts, letting the clutches of reality pull him back in. Jeno is gently moving in his swing, using his legs to propel himself back and forth with a fond smile on his lips. His line of sight is focused on the night skies as well before he finally lets his gaze flicker over to Renjun. There's a certain softness in his features and Renjun's breath is stolen away when he sees the stars lighting up in the male's dark orbs.

"Still the same." He manages to form the edges of his mouth into a familiar curve that resembles a smile, following the other's motions as he kicks his legs against the ground, moving his swing back and forth. The chains makes a squeaking sound every time he moves but strangely enough, the noise is quite comforting.

He clears his throat and skids his feet against the floor, meeting Jeno's unwavering stare with a gaze of his own. "What about you?"

Jeno visibly hesitates, measuring his words delicately in his mind before he answers in a gentle, careful manner. "I guess I could say the same."

The silence stretches between them and it's awkward — there's so many unspoken words that are begging to spill from their lips but they're both too stubborn. Renjun doesn't know how to talk about his feelings, quietly pull them apart until they're no longer a tangled mess. Jeno has always been too cautious, that he doesn't know how to talk about what's really bothering him because he's afraid that he might get misunderstood.

Honestly, Renjun doesn't know how they lasted for so long. There's so many issues rooted deep within themselves that they need time to figure everything out.

Was the breakup actually the right choice for them?

"Jun," Jeno's voice is as low as a whisper but Renjun hears him all too clearly. Their gazes lock and Renjun can feel his heart pounding in the confines of his chest, rocking itself against his ribcage and its steady beating is accelerating as each second passes by.

Jeno spends a long moment gazing at him, his dark orbs flickering and searching for something in Renjun's expression before he finally parts his lips to speak, "What do you feel for me?"

Renjun can feel a burst of emotions exploding deep within his chest, all of them slipping through his veins and making his head spin rapidly. He's afraid — he knows that he's in love with Jeno but he never truly knew _how much._

He's in love with Jeno. Truly, madly, and deeply.

This isn't because he wants to rewind everything and step back into the past. It isn't because he's afraid to be alone, that he'll never truly move on from what happened between them. He loves every little piece of his soul and he can't imagine himself loving someone as much as he does with him. If he imagines his future, he can clearly see Jeno in it — coming home to his arms and kissing him softly and gently. He wants to get lost right in Jeno's embrace every night and fall asleep, slip right into a beautiful dream every time.

His past, present, and future — Lee Jeno will always be there. That's what he truly wants from everything.

"Would you believe me if I said that I love you?" Renjun quirks his lips into a small smile, the corners of his mouth hurriedly pulling downwards as he stares at his feet. He grips the chains of the swing, letting the cool metal rest against his skin in hopes of providing comfort to him.

"I know I was the first one who asked for a break up. I know I was the one who ruined us," Renjun blinks rapidly, turning to clear away his blurry vision but it's hard when he feels everything bursting deep inside of him. It's hard when he wants to part his lips and say more but only a sob threatens to spill from his pair.

"But since the moment you took me out for a stargazing trip at the park because you remembered how much I love stars, I've always known that you'll always be special to me, no matter what happens to us. Since the moment you brought me to that park and kissed me under the moon, I've always known that I will love you for as long as fate will allow me to. I'm madly in love with you, Jeno, and no one can ever take that away from us."

The tears cling to his lashes and he blinks fast, letting them roll down his cheeks. He emits a nervous laugh, hurriedly wiping them away with the back of his hand but they continue to run down his face, staining it effortlessly.

"Fuck," He curses lowly to himself, hastily trying to wipe them away when a hand stops him. He was so immersed in trying not to burst into tears that he didn't hear Jeno getting up from his swing and approaching him carefully. Jeno had knelt in front of him, his fingers reaching out to delicately cup his cheeks before he wipes away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. Renjun can feel a whimper breaking past his throat but he's rendered speechless when Jeno leans in to press himself against his body, his arms looping around his lithe waist.

Renjun takes in a deep breath and forces himself to meet Jeno's dark orbs, admiring the way they glisten underneath the starlight. He has forgotten how truly beautiful Jeno is when he's close like this — his lashes softly kissing the curves of his cheeks every his eyes flutter shut, the way his starry eyes seem to endlessly light up with happiness, and the gentle curve of his lips to form a sweet smile.

He missed him. God, he missed him so much.

"I feel the same way for you." There's a certain emotion wrapped around the words that left Jeno's lips and Renjun can sense it almost immediately — it's happiness. It's overwhelming and overflowing kind of happiness. Renjun can't stop himself from murmuring _I love you_ all over again and Jeno looks like he's about to burst from the amount of euphoria coursing itself through his body.

Jeno is smiling so widely, his own eyes shining with unshed tears as he leans in to press their foreheads together, his sweet voice dropping into a whisper. "I love you too, Injun. I always have and I always will."

A relieved laugh spills from Renjun's lips as he loops his arms around Jeno's neck. Jeno easily imitates the sound, bursting into a fit of chuckles and letting their melodious laughter echo with the night air. The sound slowly dissolves but they both can't stop themselves from smiling so much. He just can't wrap his head around it — the idea of Jeno still deeply in love with him like years ago had once felt like a fantasy but now, he's diving deep within the realms of reality and he can say that he's truly happy for once.

Jeno had slipped his arms around Renjun's waist without the other boy noticing before he leans in even closer, their lips almost brushing against each other's. Renjun falls completely silent and with a flicker of his eyes, he sees from Jeno's dark orbs that he wants this. He wants Renjun as much as Renjun wants him.

Without another second, he dives in deep, letting his emotions get the best of him. His eyes slowly flutter shut, his heart beating right in his throat as the darkness surrounds his clear vision. He can feel Jeno's body comfortably pressed up against his, his hot breath grazing his rosy pair and his hands soothingly running along his waist. He trusts himself to fall, knowing that Jeno is right there — Jeno has always been there for him.

Their lips brush very gently, tentative even if the excitement is coursing fast in their veins. Then slowly, Jeno leans closer, capturing his lips in a deep and sensual kiss. The explosion of emotions in his body renders him speechless as he allows himself to experience the euphoria, the indescribable amount of love and exhilaration moving throughout his body. His fingers tangle around Jeno's tie, tugging on it very lightly and Jeno obliges, pressing himself even closer with more desperation this time.

Years of not seeing each other and kissing each other senselessly like this has finally caught up. Jeno kisses him just like before — light and gentle, savoring the feeling of their bodies against each other's and the warmth radiating off from their skin. He kisses him with no sense of urgency this time, wanting every second to stretch out so he can remember the feeling of their lips softly pressed together. He kisses him as if he has all the time in the world, his fingers tracing Renjun's cheek, down his jaw before they gently glide along his back and down his waist. It's as if he's trying to memorize every part of Renjun all over again, like what he did years ago.

Renjun lets his teeth graze along his bottom lip, softly sinking them down onto it before his tongue lightly swipes along it. He presses one last kiss right on the corner of his mouth before he regrettably pulls away so they can catch their breaths. Jeno's eyes flutter open and he's staring at Renjun with the sweetest smile he has ever mustered — just that simple curve of his lips is enough to wreck Renjun's heart against his chest.

"Hey," Jeno speaks up, his voice sounding a little rough at the edges. He quietly clears his throat, the pink tint dusting along his cheeks but he keeps the smile lingering on his lips as his starry eyes shine brightly with hope. "We'll make this work, right?"

Renjun softens up at his question, a smile tugging on his lips. He brushes his lips against his, leaving a lingering kiss right on it before he pulls away. His dark orbs light up like the stars dotting the night sky, clearly elated as he nods his head slowly.

"We'll find a way, I promise."

-

Renjun rushes around the art exhibition, flushed cheeks as he makes sure that everything is going perfectly. Everyone seems to be enjoying the artworks displayed, animatedly talking about the paintings and sculptures meticulously set up around the place, making sure there's enough space for the guests to roam around and mingle. Just when Renjun is about to step around to make another round, he feels a warm hand right on his shoulder. He halts almost immediately, spinning on heel quite fast and widening his eyes when Jaehyun, his boss, beams at him brightly.

"Everything looks perfect." Jaehyun comments, his voice dropping to a whisper so only Renjun would hear his words, "Both you and Chenle are doing a great job so far. I'm proud." He pauses, eyeing the guests for a moment before he gestures at Renjun to take a step closer to the snacks and refreshments table.

"I'll take over for the rest of the night. Go ahead and enjoy yourself or you can head home now if you want." Jaehyun flashes another bright smile at him before he starts making his rounds to check on the guests. Renjun only got around to murmur a _thank you_ right at his retreating figure before he presses himself against the nearby empty wall, exhausted yet exhilarated at the same time.

He catches his breath as he slips his phone right out of his pocket, a smile tugging on his lips. He unlocks it with slightly shaky fingers, opening up his inbox and spotting the newest thread of messages displayed right at the top.

 **Jaemin [19:23]:** _i'm sorry i couldn't attend your art exhibit :(_  
**Jaemin [19:23]:** _but i hope you know that i'm proud of you!_  
**Jaemin [19:24]:** _trust me, everyone will be swooning over your artworks_  
**Jaemin [19:26]:** _i'll_ _be back to visit you for a bit by next week!_

Renjun finds himself grinning as he shoots a reply to him before he pockets his phone, admiring the artworks displayed right on the wall. His moment of peace is abruptly broken when his friends turned right at the corner, an excited bounce in each step they take towards him. Donghyuck and Mark both have their arms around each other whilst Chenle and Jisung are sporting on shy smiles as they hold each other's hands tightly. They easily spot him right by the only bare wall in the exhibition, approaching him in long strides.

"Injun!" Donghyuck is surprisingly the first one who approaches him, tackling him in a tight embrace. He lets out a breathless gasp before emitting a laugh, wrapping his own arms around him securely before they both break away from the hug.

"Hey, guys. I'm really glad that you dropped by."

"The place looks beautiful, Jun." Mark's eyes flicker from the decorations hanging from the ceiling before he goes back to admiring the paintings placed carefully right by the walls. Renjun is flustered at the sudden compliment, beaming as he rubs his cheeks in hopes of making the blush will itself away.

"Thanks, Lele and I worked hard on that."

"Oh, please, we fought over what kind of flowers to use at the decorations. He," Chenle jabs a thumb right at Renjun as devilish grin takes on his features, "looked like he was about to strangle me because we couldn't settle on anything."

"That was the most stressful moment of my life. I can't believe picking flowers could be so stressful." Renjun whines, finally standing up properly but he keeps his back glued against the bare wall. The others burst into a fit of chuckles at his words before they resume talking — Renjun ends up tuning them out since he's still trying to wrap his head around the fact that the art exhibition is actually happening and it looks like it's turning into a grand success. It almost seems like a dream come true.

Renjun is too wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't register a pair of boots knocking against the wooden floor. It's only when he lets his gaze flicker over to the sound, he sees Jeno rushing towards him, his own cheeks flushed and his coat tightly wrapped around his frame.

"Jeno!" He pushes himself right off the wall, hurrying towards his boyfriend in light and quick steps. Jeno lights up, a sweet smile gracing his lips as he halts and opens his ams wide right at his direction. Renjun throws himself right into his embrace and he melts almost immediately in his arms, enjoying the warmth that's spreading in his chest.

"And this is our cue to go." Renjun hears Jisung say rather too loudly, earning snickers from their group of friends.

"Have fun, you two lovebirds!" Donghyuck's voice is dripping with playfulness as they bolt away, sharing a laugh as they rounded another corner to visit another part of the exhibition. Renjun heaves a deep sigh, burying his face right on Jeno's shoulder and inhaling his scent, feeling the familiar jump of his heart right in his chest.

"I came here as fast as I could. My shift ended late today." Jeno murmurs to him, his lips curved into a smile as he leans down to press a lingering kiss on top of his head, wrapping his arms protectively around Renjun. They stay like that, embracing tightly and enjoying each other's warmth for a long while before Renjun mumbles, clutching Jeno's coat.

"Can we go home? I'm tired." Renjun pulls away, his eyes droopy and exhausted but somehow, a smile still curls on his lips when he sees the way Jeno scrunches his face up, wrinkling his nose before a concerned look crosses his features.

"Is it all right for you to—"

"Don't worry, I'm allowed to go home." Renjun reaches out to cup his cheeks gently, leaning in to press a soft kiss right on the corner of his lips. Jeno elicits a chuckle at the affectionate gesture, stealing a kiss from his lips before he nods his head, an eyebrow arching in curiosity.

"Your apartment or mine?" Renjun only smiles brightly at him, snuggling close as he wraps his arms around his neck, pulling him close to drop a kiss right on the tip of his nose.

"I'm fine with anywhere, as long as I'm with you."

-

Renjun sinks right on the edge of his bed, his gaze settled right on the streak of old paint across the bleak wall. His teeth gently sinks onto his bottom lip, racking his head for any ideas how to replace the line of paint when he's pulled right out of his thoughts, melting soon after when Jeno's arms slip their way around his lithe waist. There's a pair of lips pressed against his jaw before he feels them trail their way to his earlobe, emitting a soft laugh as Jeno holds Renjun against his chest.

"Come on, let's get you to bed, sleepyhead." Renjun willingly settles on mattress, his chest feeling lighter than ever as Jeno lays down next to him. He's changed right out of his work clothes, slipping into a loose shirt and sweatpants that makes him look right he's at home. Renjun figures that they do feel at home — they belong to stay at each other's side after all.

Renjun rakes his hand through his boyfriend's hair, letting the strands tangle around his fingers before he leans up to press a kiss on top of his head. Jeno scoops him up and tugs him close until Renjun's head is placed comfortably against his shoulder whilst Jeno's cheek is pressed right against the side of Renjun's head. There's a comforting hand running down Renjun's back, gently massaging the tense muscles and helping Renjun slip into a state of calmness.

"Go get some rest now." Jeno murmurs gently, lips brushing against his forehead. Renjun makes a noncommittal hum, running his fingers run along his shoulder before he decides to loop his arms right around the younger male's torso. Jeno welcomes the comfortable embrace as he pulls the blanket over their bodies, dropping another fleeting kiss on the top of his head.

"Hey, Jeno?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." A soft laugh escapes from Jeno's lips, resonating in the room and then, "I love you too."

The silence stretches between them and Renjun almost slips through the boundaries of a dreamless state when Jeno speaks. His voice is quiet yet his words are carefully wrapped with a small amount of fear.

"Promise me you won't leave me again."

Renjun breaks away, blinking right at him. Jeno stares back at him and he shows no sign of taking back his words. They lock gazes for a moment before Renjun softens up when he sees the flicker of the same fear in Jeno's usual starry eyes.

"I won't." Renjun tugs him close, pressing their lips together in a breathless kiss. Jeno can't help but curl his lips into a smile, his chest growing lighter as Renjun quietly murmurs his words against his lips.

_A promise._

"I won't leave you."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! feel free to talk to me in [twitter.](http://twitter.com/jenosaints)


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